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CilEflRIGHT DEPOSm 



BODY AND SOUL 



By ARNOLD BENNETT 



NOVELS 

THE ROLL-CALL 

THE PRETTY LADY 

THE lion's share 

THESE TWAIN 

CLAYHANGER 

HILDA LESSWAYS 

THE OLD WIVES' TALE 

DENRY THE ADDACIOUS 

THE OLD ADAM 

HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND 

THE MATADOR OF THE FIVE TOWNS 

THE BOOK OF CARLOTTA 

BURIED ALIVE 

A GREAT MAN 

LEONORA 

WHOM GOD HATH JOINED 

A MAN FROM THE NORTH 

ANNA OF THE FIVE TOWNS 

THE GLIMPSE 

THE CITY OF PLEASURE 

THE GRAND BABYLON HOTEL 

HUGO 

THE GATES OF WRATH 

POCKET PHILOSOPHIES 

SELF AND SELF -MANAGEMENT 

THE author's CBLAFT 

MARRIED LIFE 

FRIENDSHIP AND HAPPINESS 

HOW TO LIVE ON 24 HOURS A DAY 

THE HUMAN MACHINE 

LITERARY TASTE 

MENTAL EFFICIENCY 

PLAYS 

BODY AND SOUL 
SACRED AND PROFANE LOVE 
JUDITH 
THE TITLE 

THE GREAT ADVENTURE 
CUPID AND COMMONSENSE 
WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS 
POLITE FARCES 
THE HONEYMOON 
IN COLLABORATION WITH EDWARD ENOBLOCK 
MILESTONES 

MISCELLANEOUS 
our women 
books and persons 
paris nights 

the truth about an author 
liberty! 

OVER there: WAR SCENES 

GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 
NEW YORK 



BODY AND SOUL 

A PLAY IN FOUR ACTS 



BY 

ARNOLD BENNETT 

< > 

Author of "Judith," "Clayhanger," 
"Sacred and Profane Love," "The 
Old Wives' Tale," "The Title," etc. 



GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS NEW YORK 



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Copyright, 1922, 
By George H. Doran Company 



BODY AND SOUL. I 



PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 



N0\I28'22 



I 



CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY 

Blanche Nixon 

Lady Mab Infold 

Mrs. Clews 

Edith Tunnicliff 

Parlourmaid 

Aaron Draper 

Ezra Clews 

Procopo 

The IVIarquis of Wix 

Waiter 



ACTS AND SCENES 

ACT I 

LADY MAb's sitting-room IN THE GRAND BABYLON 

HOTEL 

Scene I. Morning. 

Scene II. The same morning; immediately after 
Scene I. 

ACT II 

SAME AS ACT I 

Scene I. Evening of the same day. 

Scene II. The same evening; immediately after Scene 
I. 

Scene III. The following morning. 

ACT III 

MRS. clews' drawing-room AT BURSLEY 

Scene I. Afternoon of the same day. 
Scene II. Afternoon of the following day. 

ACT IV 

SAME AS ACT I 

Morning of the next day but one. 



VI 



BODY AND SOUL 



ACT I 

SCENE I 

Lady Mab Infold's private sittmg-room m the 
Grand Babylon Hotel, The furniture and 
decorations are in the most extreme manner 
of the Roger Fry school. Doors centre^ left, 
and right. 

Time: Morning. Lady Mab is alone. 
Enter Waiter, followed by Aaron Draper. 

Waiter, Mr. Aaron Draper. 
[Exit Waiter.'] 

Lady Mab [hastenvng eagerly towards Draper], 
Darling, may I tell you a secret? 

Aaron, Tell. 

Lady Mab, At first I thought your name was 
absurd. Now I love it. Aaron ! 

Aaron, Pretty good old ecclesiastical name. 

Lady Mab, But do be David for a bit. 

Aaron, David? 

7 



8 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mah. David would have kissed me ten 
times before this. [They embrace tenderlyS\ 
Would you mind kissing my eyes? [Aaron does 
50.] Ah! [with a sigh of ecstasy^. You kiss well, 
Let us sit. 

Aaron. What are you going to do with that 
pipe, Mab.'' 

Lady Mah [filing a pipe^. Smoke it, of course. 

Aaron [incredulous^. You aren't! 

Lady Mah. Why not? Heaps of girls at the 
Slade smoke pipes. 

Aaron. What's the Slade? 

Lady Mah. You don't mean to say you've 
never heard of the Slade! 

Aaron. Oh! That art student place. 

Lady Mah. It's the best school of art in Eng- 
land. 

Aaron. Still 

Lady Mah, I suppose girls may smoke? 

Aaron. Certainly. 

Lady Mah. Then why shouldn't they smoke 
pipes? What's the difference between smoking a 
pipe and smoking cigarettes? Each of them is 
merely a device for getting the vapour of to- 
bacco into the human mouth. Wood or paper, 
what can it matter? 

Aaron. True. 

Lady Mah. The objection to women smoking 
pipes is purely conventional. 

Aaron. True. 



ACT I 9 

Lady Mab, Moreover, all you men say that 
pipes are the healthiest form of smoking and 
cigarettes the most vicious. 

Aaron, True. 

Lady Mah. Well, then. There's no answer to 
the argument. Give me a match, please. 

Aaron [handmg matches^. There's only one 
answer. 

Lady Mah. What is it? 

Aaron, May I have a look at that pipe ? [She 
gives him the pipe. He puts it in his mouth.^ 
And may I trouble you for a light? 

Lady Mab. Aaron, you are being Aaron again. 

Aaron. May I trouble you for a light? 

Lady Mab [^as she strikes a matcK\, But this 
is no answer to argument. 

Aaron [smokiMg'\. On the contrary, it is a 
conclusive answer. 

Lady Mab, You're very irrational. 

Aaron. I am. 

Lady Mab, Then when we're married I can't 
smoke a pipe. 

Aaron, You cany of course, but you won't. 
Neither when we're married nor whUe we're en- 
gaged. 

Lady Mab, We've been engaged twenty-four 
hours. 

Aaron [looking at his watch^. About. 

Lady Mab. And I suppose, darling, all this 
signifies that you're one of those terrible northern 



10 BODY AND SOUL 

people who always "begin as they mean to go 



on." 



Aaron. Yes, my sweet. \_Kisses her eyes 
again. ] 

Lady Mob. Well, you've begun. Go on. 

Aaron. What do you mean? 

Lady Mah. What's the next lesson? There 
are always two at least. I know I've a lot to 
learn. Do go on. 

Aaron [liesitating^. Shall I? 

Lady Mah. Of course. There's no danger — 
we're both so frightfully polite. 

Aaron, Nothing's more dangerous than too 
much politeness. 

Lady Mah. Now that is true; but you must 
have learnt it in the Midlands. 

Aaron, Still, I'll go on, in my affectionate 
way. 

Lady Mah. I thought you had something on 
your mind, darling. 

Aaron. All this — er — publicity. 

Lady Mah. Publicity ? Oh ! That ! 

Aaron. It seemed to me there was a rare lot 
of publicity last night at the Opera. You and 
your friends all paying one another visits in your 
boxes the whole time, and chattering, and wav- 
ing to each other across the theatre. Mozart 
simply hadn't a chance. 

Lady Mah. But that had nothing to do with 
our engagement. 



ACT I 11 

Aaron. Really? 

Lady Mah. No. We always do that. 

Aaron. But it was just like a famil}^ party — 
performed in public. 

Lady Mob, It is a family party. You see, it's 
we who have put opera on its legs in London. 

Aaron. Who? 

Lady Mah, My set. Me. About a score of 
us. 

Aaron. Oh! I thought it was Beecham. 

Lady Mah. Well, of course he helps. But it's 
we who have made it the rage. And we must meet 
and talk. 

Aaron. Oh! All right. Only there ought to 
be two stages, like Bamum and Bailey's. 

Lady Mah. Two stages? 

Aaron. One for the opera and the other for 
3^our restless friends. Simultaneous performance. 
However, I really didn't mean to mention that. 
What I had in mind was this morning's news- 
papers. I see you've got some of them there 
[pointing^. 

Lady Mah. All of them. I always take in all 
the London papers. 

Aaron. Why? I know you'll excuse these 
questions, seeing that I'm almost a stranger in 
your set. Why? 

Lady Mah. Because I'm usually in all of them. 
You must have noticed that long before you met 
me. 



12 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron. No, I didn't. I'd only time for one 
paper, and I only read the news in that. 

Lady Mob, But damn it, you delicious old 
prig, I am the news. 

Aaron. So I'm beginning to see. There are 
ten photographs of you in this morning's press, 
and seven of them are different. 

Lady Mah. The photographers will never 
leave me alone. They settle on me like flies on 
sugar. 

Aaron. It must cost you a heap of money. 

Lady Mah. Not a penny. They take me for 
nothing. Glad to. They fight for me. In fact 
one paper paid me £100 for sitting. \jQ^iiichly .^ 
Keep calm. I gave the money to Queen Alexan- 
dra's Rose Day. 

Aaron. But look here, my orchid. How did 
the Daily Express get my photograph? My 
photograph isn't public. [Pointing to photograph 
on table.^ That's the only copy in existence. 

Lady Mah. Ah! Now we're coming to the 
point. 

Aaron, We are. 

Lady Mah. I lent it to them. I had to. They 
promised to return it in two hours, and they did. 
Don't be shocked. Of course ours was such a 
lightning engagement, and you're a stranger to 
my set, as you say. But you'll soon pick up our 
code. Still, I suppose I ought to have asked you 
about the photograph first. 



ACT I 13 

Aaron. WTiy didn't you? 

Lady Mah. Because I knew you'd never agree. 
You love me to be honest, don't 3"ou? 

Aaron. Appears to me that I'm engaged to a 
pubhc institution. 

Lady Mah. That's just it. You are. I'm a 
public institution. Oh, my Aaron ! Do get me 
out of it. Do save me. I hate it, really. It's 
not my fault. I don't know how it's happened. 
It came gradually. It began when I was eighteen, 
after father and mother died, and I took rooms 
in this hotel and had them furnished according 
to my own ideas. From that moment I couldn't 
blow my nose without the affair getting into the 
Daily Mirror. Things might have been different 
if dad hadn't been a marquis, and if he hadn't 
owned coal royalties, and if I hadn't had most 
marv^ellous eyes. But as it was, I was a marked 
woman. You understand now, don't you? If 
the use of my handkerchief is an event, what must 
my engagement be? Why, my engagement has 
knocked the Peace Treaty all to bits. What the 
wedding will be like I cannot imagine. I suppose 
it will have to be at St. Margaret's. 

Aaron. The wedding will be at a registry 
office, probably in Camden To^vn, and the wit- 
nesses will be the charwoman of the registry office 
and the first loafer I meet in the street. 

Lady Mah. How heavenl}^ . . . See! All 
these telegrams. Congratulations on my engage- 



14 BODY AND SOUL 

ment! I opened about ten. Then I got tired» 
See ! [She picks up all the telegrams^ opened and 
tmopened, and throws them over him.'\ Bless you! 
How many telegrams have you had? 

Aaron. Oh! About one. From a fellow at the 
nitrate works in Cheshire. 

Lady Mah. How splendid to be as unknown 
as you are! 

Aaron. Even you don't know me, yet. 

Lady Mah. Teach me to know you. 

Aaron. I will. Pick up all these telegrams, 
please. 

Lady Mah. I'll ring. 

Aaron [persuasively^. No, no, don't ring. 
Pick them up. You threw them about. 

Lady Mah. You help me. 

Aaron. When you've picked up twenty, I'll do 
the rest. Go on. [She oheys.^ And while you're 
on your knees, there's just one more thing. [Lady 
Mah looks up at him with a plaintive glance. He 
hreaks off and adopts a caressing, apologetic air.^ 
I say, you don't mind me blazing away like this? 

Lady Mah. I love having my soul saved. Please 
do proceed. 

Aaron. I felt sure you wouldn't mind. You 
told me about my necktie yesterday, and so I 
thought I might touch lightly on one or two 
little matters to-day. Then we should be start- 
ing fair. 



ACT I 16 

Lady Mah. Your necktie to-day is adorable. 
WeU? 

Aaron. Well, it's about this spiritualist busi- 
ness. I think if you're wise you'll drop it. 

Lady Mob. Spiritualist business? You mean 
Procopo. 

Aaron. I mean Mr. Procopo, 

Lady Mah. But I've put Procopo on the map. 
No dinner-party is complete without him. You 
must meet him. He's astounding. He'll con- 
vince you. 

Aaron. Convince me of what.? 

Lady Mah. Well, you know, it's not what 
you'd call spiritualism at all. It's the mystery 
of personality that Procopo specialises in — per- 
sonal consciousness, the nature of individuality, 
and that sort of thing. He studied it in the East. 
Of course you've heard of multiple personality. 

Aaron, Only in politics — Prime Ministers with 
an unreliable majority having to be all things to 
all men, and that sort of thing. 

Lady Mah. Will you be serious? 

Aaron. I certainly will. 

Lady Mah. There are authenticated cases of 
multiple personality. 

Aaron. Two or more distinct personalities in 
one body? 

Lady Mah, Yes. 

Aaron, I don't believe it. 

Lady Mah, Then I must ask you to read that 



16 BODY AND SOUL 

book there, by Sidis and Goodhart. It's a classic. 

Aaron. And who are Sidis and Goodhart? 
{^Fingering feooA:.] 

Lady Mab. Sidis is a professor at Harvard 
and Goodhart is a professor at Yale. Both of 
them very well-known psj^chologists. 

Aaron [slightly dashed^. Oh! 

Lady Mah. Procopo lent me that book. 

Aaron. And how many personalities has Pro- 
copo got? 

Lady Mah. Oh! He's quite normal himself. 
Quite normal. You'll see. But he has carried 
the investigation much further. Procopo claims 
that individualities can be exchanged between 
bodies. 

Aaron. How? 

Lady Mah. By means of hypnotic suggestion 
— and other faculties of his own. 

Aaron. Is he supposed to be a hypnotist? 

Lady Mah. His hypnotic powers are unques- 
tionable. 

Aaron. Could he turn you into me and me 
into you? 

Lady Mah. Ah ! You mustn't go to extremes. 
Besides, he expressly says no individuality is trans- 
ferable to the opposite sex. 

Aaron. Well, that's some relief, anyway. But 
do you seriously assert that Procopo seriously 
asserts that he could put your mind into some 



ACT I 17 

other woman's body, and some other woman's mind 
into yours? 

Lady Mah. Yes. 

Aaron. Complete. Memory, associations, and 
all? 

Lady Mah. Yes. Everything. Why, it's been 
done several times in India within the last few 
years ! 

Aaron. But India's several thousand miles off. 

Lady Mah. He's offered to make an experi- 
ment on me, here. 

Aaron. He'd better not. 

Lady Mah. Why? 

Aaron. I wouldn't have you altered even the 
slightest bit for anything. 

Lady Mah \_rising and going to him, grate- 
fudly^. Oh, Aaron! I'm so glad. You've given 
me back my confidence. [^Handing him telegrams 
•which she has picked up.^ Here are twenty. 
Count them if you like. 

Aaron. Now it's my turn \_movimg^. 

Lady Mah. No, don't move. \_She sits on his 
knee. Persuasively.^ But I assure you Procopo 
really is unique. You've only got to go into the 
matter and you'd see at once that we're on the 
eve of marvellous discoveries in the psychology of 
consciousness. 

Aaron. I have been going into the matter, and 
we are on the eve of marvellous discoveries. 

Lady Mah. What? 



18 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron. The editor of Truth will publish an 
article about your Procopo's past next week. 

Ladi/ Mab. The editor of Truth! Aaron, you 
aren't a journalist, are you? 

Aaron. No. But when I was in the Army 
Truth ventilated some of our grievances for us. 
That's how I came to know the editor. And he's 
been telling me about Procopo. 

Lady Mah. What about Procopo? 

Aaron. Nine years ago Procopo got fourteen 
days for common fortune-telling at Birmingham. 
That's your Procopo. Truth has obtained photo- 
graphs and a full transcript of the evidence given 
at the police-court. Next Tuesday the great Pro- 
copo bubble will burst. And I don't want my Mab 
to suffer in the explosion. 

Lady Mah. But is this true? 

Aaron. It's as true as my knee [jogging her^. 

Lady Mah [rising suddenly^. Oh! Aaron! 
Give me up. 

Aaron. Give you up? 

Lady Mah. I'm no good. I always knew I was 
no good. 

Aaron. Have you been in prison too? 

Lady Mah. My caste is no good. We're done 
for, we aristocrats. To be the daughter of a 
marquis nowadays is simply damnation. I've tried. 
I've tried to live it down. But I can't. Cabinet 
Ministers flatter me and tell me their secrets, 
but I'm no good. Great painters paint me, but 



ACT I 19 

I'm no good. And they aren't either, when 
I've done with them. I'm right in the middle of 
the swim, all the swims, but I'm no good. I'm 
the idol of the picture-papers, but I'm no good. 
There's something queer in me. Oh 1 If only 
Procopo was genuine after all! Wouldn't I be 
changed into somebody else! Somebody ?n Bir- 
mingham, perhaps ! Yes, and wouldn't I like to 
see somebody else messing up my job! Throw me 
away, Aaron! I shall never make you happy. 
I'm too frightfully clever to be anything but a 
fool. Throw me away! \^SJie clings to Jiim.^ 

Aaron [seizing large florcer-glass^. I'll throw 
this water over you if you get hysterical. Kiss me, 
my box-of-tricks. 

Lady Mob. You take all the responsibility, 
then? 

Aaron, What oi"^ 

Lady Mah. Not throwing me away, 

Aaron. I do. [They hiss.'^ 

Lady Mah [irtovimg away and gazing at liivfi\, 
I'm sorry for you, Aaron. 

[Enter Waiter.'\ 

Waiter. A lady with two typewriting ma- 
chines, my lady. 

Lady Mah, Oh! Bother! And Kitty isn't 
here. 

Aaron, Who's Kitty.? 

Lady Mah. You know Miss Crane. 

Aaron. Oh! Your doormat. 



20 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mab. My secretary. She's ill. Aaron, 
choose a typewriter for me. My old one's worn 
out. Every one said typewriters couldn't be had, 
so I ordered one to be here by noon to-day. And 
here it is. That's me. What I want I get. 

Aaron. But I don't know anything about type- 
writers. 

Lady Mah. Neither do I. Now, you've taken 
all responsibilities, Aaron. This is the first of 
them. I can't talk to typewriter girls to-day. 
I'll go and swallow some aspirin. 

Aaron. And supposing I choose a machine you 
don't like and Kitty Crane doesn't like? 

Lady Mab. What I like Kitty likes, and what 
you like I like. If Kitty's my doormat, I'm j^ours. 
I'm determined to be your doormat. How sick I 
am of being a silly capricious aristocrat. Bully 
me! Wipe your feet on me. 

Aaron. Go at once and swallow your aspirin. 
[Lady Mab goes slavisJdy to the door, and then 
suddenly turns round and makes a charming 
insubordinate grimace at Aaron, who moves 
towards the door.'\ 

[Exit Lady Mab.] 

CURTAIN 



SCENE II 

Time : The same morning, 
Blanche and Edith are arranging two typewriting 

machines, 

Blanche [with a Lancashire accent^. Let be! 
Let be! I'll take th' covers off. And you can 
take yeself off, my girl. You've done your little 
bit. 

Edith [with a Cockney accent^. Can't I stay 
and see you sell a machine, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche. No, Miss Tunnicliff, that ye cannot, 
and well ye know it. Ye're wanted back at th' 
shop this minute. 

Edith. How do you get round them, Miss 
Nixon ? 

Blanche. I study 'em. I study their fads. 
I find out what pleases 'em. Ye never know if 
summat won't lead to summat else. I'm all for 
summat else. And when I've found out a bit 
what pleases 'em, I make 'em think it pleases 
me too, and then I let fly, in a manner of speak- 
ing. But it isn't as easy as all that, neither. So 
you needn't think it. [Picking up book.^ "Mul- 
tiple Personality," Sidis and Goodhart. Oh my ! 
[Picking up a pamphlet. 1 "Procopo." Oh my! 

21 



22 BODY AND SOUL 



5> 



"A theory of the exchange of individualities. 
Bless us! [To Edith,] Off with ye! [As Edith is 
going,] Hey ! 

Edith. Yes, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche. Which machine does th' boss want 
me to plant on her ladyship ? 

Edith. The Conquest. There's several people 
after the Imperials. 

Blanche. Art sure? Th' Conquest. Not th' 
Imperial? 

Edith. No. The Conquest. 

Blanche. Well, th' old Conquest '11 want a bit 
of selling at sixty-five guineas. It wasna' bom 
yesterda}^, nor yet seven years ago. It's a 
profiteer at sixty-five guineas, th' old Conquest is. 
You can politely 'ook it, miss. Here [giving her 
money], ye can buy a packet of chocolates in th' 
Tube. Save me three on 'em. 

Edith. Thank you. Miss Nixon. [Exit.] 
[Blanclie takes the covers off the two machines.] 
[Enter Aaron.] 

Aaron. Good morning. 

Blanche [with a correct London accent]. Good 
morning. 

Aaron. So these are the typewriters. Lady 
Mab Infold is unable to see you this morning, and 
her secretary is not available, and so she's asked 
me to try what I can do in the matter. 

Blanche. Certainly. 

Aaron. What makes have you brought? 



ACT I 23 

Blanclw, I've brought an Imperial and a Con- 
quest. Two of the best modem machines. 

Aaron, Ah, yes. 

Blanclie, Do you know anything about type- 
writers ? 

Aaron [somewhat taken ahack^. No. But I'm 
a business man. 

Blanclie. I feel sure you'll pardon my ques- 
tion. It saves so much trouble in the end. Then, 
if I may, I'll just explain to you the points of 
the Imperial. 

Aaron. One moment. I should like to ask you 
something first. 

Blanclie. Please do. I'm here to give all infor- 
mation. 

Aaron. I understand there's a serious short- 
age of typewriting machines .f' 

Blanche. Very serious indeed. There are no 
new machines on the market. . . . Owing to the 
war, of course. 

Aaron. Your firm can get practically any 
price it likes for second-hand machines? 

Blanche. We have to pay practically any price 
for old machines that we hear of for sale. 

Aaron. The demand far exceeds the supply? 

Blanche. Very far. We have, perhaps, three 
or four earnest applicants for every machine we 
can offer. 

Aaron. Then how comes it that your finn is 
ready to put itself to the trouble of actually 



U BODY AND SOUL 

sending two machines here for Lady Mab to choose 
from? Because, according to jou, there are half 
a dozen people waiting anxiously in your shop to 
buy these very machines. Where is your advan- 
tage? Pardon the question. I'm merely asking 
as a business man. 

Blanche. Well, I feel sure that as a business 
man you'll understand me perfectly when I say 
that I happen to be selling tj^pewriters — not buy- 
ing them. 

Aaron [^Iiit, but smiling^. I understand you 
perfectly. 

Blanche. Of course, I needn't point out that 
the demand for typewriters won't alwa^'^s exceed 
the supply, and that we like to secure good new 
customers. Lady Mab Infold would be a very 
good customer. 

Aaron. Do you expect her ladyship to buy a 
new machine every month? 

Blanche. No. Perhaps one every five years or 
so. 

Aaron. Then why should she be a better cus- 
tomer than anybody else? 

Blanche. Because she's Lady Mab Infold. 

Aaron. How odd! 

Blanche. It is. [They look at each other. ^ 
But so time ! Now if you'll allow me to show you 
this Imperial. 

Aaron. Why not the Conquest? 



ACT I 25 

BlancTw \Jeignmg reluct ance\. Certainly, if 
you wish. 

Aaron, No. We'll begin with the Imperial. 

Blanche \^sittmg down to the machine and re- 
moving her gloves^. The Imperial has thirty 
keys and two shift keys. You see [faps]. Pro- 
ducing eighty-eight characters. Back space for 
corrections [^taps^. Tabulator for figure work. 
The tabulator is built in. Automatic ruling. Dis- 
appearing pointer. You see. Now you'll notice 
one interesting thing — practically the whole of 
the mechanism is covered in. 

Aaron. What's the point of that.f^ 

Blanche. Keeps out the dust you make when 
you're using the eraser. Of course, if Lady Mab 
Infold has a miraculous tj^pist who never makes 
a mistake there isn't much point in having the 
mechanism covered in. But, believe me, dust from 
the eraser does more harm to the machine than 
any amount of banging. 

Aaron. What is the price of this machine.'' 

Blanche. Seventy guineas. 

Aaron. You're not serious? 

Blanche. I'm afraid I am. 

Aaron. But I bought a first-rate typewriter 
myself in 1916 for twenty-five pounds. 

Blanche, Yes, but peace hadn't been declared 
then. 

Aaron [turning to th€ other machine^. How 
much is the Conquest? 



26 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanche [negligently^. Sixty-five guineas. It's 
an older machine. May I just type something for 
you on the Imperial? [Taking paper from packet 
and inserting it in the machi/ne.li Will you dic- 
tate something? Any tiling. The more difficult 
the better. Perhaps something from that book 
there might do. If it's a novel the dialogue would 
enable me to show you how quickly the column 
selector works. 

Aaron [picki/ng up book'\. It isn't a novel. 

Blanche. Never mind. 

Aaron [reading^. "Psychophysiological dis- 
sociation is at the basis — of the psychopathic 
states of functional psychosis." [Blanche types.^ 
Got it? 

Blanche [snatching the paper from the machine 
and handing it to him^. Very clear, isn't it? Is 
it correct? 

Aaron [looking at the paper^. Some machine! 

Blanche. Forgive my curiosity. But is that 
Sidis and Goodhart's book on "Multiple Person- 
ality"? 

Aaron [startled'\. It is. 

Blanche. Extraordinarily interesting, is it not? 

Aaron. I'm told so. 

Blanche [taking the paper^. Now I will show 
you the unique device by which the paper can be 
re-inserted in the exact position it was in before I 
took it out. Will you continue dictating? 

Aaron. I think we'll try the Conquest now. 



ACT I 27 

Blanche [feigning reluctance']. With pleasure. 
But there is no comparison between the two ma- 
chines. I haven't half explained the devices on 
the Imperial yet. For instance, the two-colour 

ribbon attachment 

Aaron. I seem to like the look of the Con- 
quest. 

Blanche. The Conquest also is an excellent 

machine, but, as I say 

Aaron. Shall we try it.'* 

Blanche [turning to the other machme vm- 
willingly]. Willingly. 

[A t this point Lady Mah enters unperceived. She 
evidently meant to interrupt, but she stops at 
the door and listens. The otJier two do not 
notice her.] 
Aaron. I'll dictate. [Blanche inserts the 
paper. He dictates.] "The phenomena of multi- 
ple personality are full of meaning and import. 
Far from being mere freaks of consciousness the}^ 
are in fact shown to be necessary manifestations 
of the very constitution of mental life. Multiple 
consciousness is not the exception but the 

law " [He stops.] 

Blanche [having finished typing]. Rather 
disturbing, is it not.?* But how deeply sugges- 
tive! 

Aaron. These things interest you.^ 
Blanche. I've always been very passionately 
interested in psychic phenomena. 



28 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron [drylyl. Well, what are the points of 
the Conquest? 

Blanche. Oh ! It has the usual points. 

Aaron, But its special points? 
[Exit Lady Mah.'\ 

Blanche. It has a reputation for reliability 
and for being rather well balanced. You see, the 
keys come up easily. Now the Imperial 

Aaron. Is sixty-five really the lowest for this 
Conquest? 

Blanche. Really f . . . 

Aaron. Pounds? 

Blanche. Guineas. 

Aaron. Well, I always decide quickly. I'll 
take the Conquest for Lady Mab. 

Blanche [Lancashire accent^. 'Swelt me bob! 
[London accent.'] I beg your pardon. 

Aaron [Lancashire accent]. Ye're a Lan- 
cashire wench, then? 

Blanche [Lancashire accent]. I am that! 
[London accent.] I beg your pardon. 

Aaron. I doubt ye're from Wigan. 

Blanche. Nay, nay! I'm no Wigan wench. 
I'm from Warrington, I am. We mak' nowt o' 
Wigan down Warrington way. Not as I'd msh 
to insult ye, if ye're from Wigan yeself. Fancy 
us two Lancashire folk doin' the la-di-dah all this 
time and not knowing we was Lancashire. 

Aaron [London accent]. Well, I don't happen 
to be a Lancashire man really; but I had several 



ACT I 29 

years before the war on a big works near Wigan, 
and one picks up the accent from the men. 

Blanche [Lancashire accent]. Ye've picked it 
up right well. 

Aaron [London accent]. Not as well as you've 
picked up a town accent. 

Blanche [Lancashire accent]. Eh, I've got 
three accents at me command. There's th' 
schoo childer's accent. I used to be in th' 
teaching line. "Please, teacher, me mother 
says I must go home early to-day because father's 
got three boils back o' th' neck, and he's sittin' 
in th' kitchen and he wants me by him for rub- 
bin'." And then there's the educated accent 
of the district — that was mine. ''No, Mary 
Elizabeth. I can't let ye go because ye say yer 
father's got three boils on his neck. Yer mother 
should have written me a note." [London 
accent.] And then there's the accent that I sell 
typewriters with in the West End. 

Aaron [London accent]. Well, I'm always de- 
lighted to hear a bit of Lancashire again. 

Blanche [London accent], 1 am, too. Per- 
haps more than you are. And because I'm so 
pleased may I say something confidential to 
you? 

Aaron. Oh! Do. 

Blanche. You've bought the wrong type- 
writer. The Imperial's by far the best value. 



30 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron. Is it? Well, may I say something 
confidential to z^ou, 

Blanche. Oh ! Do. 

Aaron. I chose the Conquest simply because 
I saw you were so determined to sell the Imperial. 

Blanche. Not at all. I was determined to 
sell the Conquest, and I did. 

Aaron. Then why did you insist so much on 
the other one.'' 

Blanche. Because you said you were a 
business man. I knew you wouldn't be happy if 
you couldn't see through me. You must oblige 
me by taking the Imperial, and I'll let you have it 
at sixty-five, which was the real price. I always 
put a bit on, on the chance. 

Aaron, But why this benevolence? 

Blanche {^smiling^. It's for the sake of the 
gld Lancashire accent. 

\^Enter Lady Mah.l 

Lady Mab [to Blanche^. Good morning. I'm 
Lady Mab's confidential secretary. Her lad}^- 
ship is Ij'ing down, and I couldn't leave her be- 
fore. [Aaron, flabbergasted, drops into a chair. 1 

Blanche, I'm sorry to hear her ladyship is not 
well. 

Lady Mab \to Aaron^. Her ladyship hopes 
you have bought a typewriter. 

Blanche [firmly and significantly, with a glance 
at Aaron, who is still dumb from the effects of 
Lady Mab's imposture'\. Yes. This gentleman 



ACT I 81 

has decided on the Imperial here. The price was 
seventy guineas. But I have arranged to take 
sixty-five, under the circumstances. 

Lady Mah. Oh! Indeed! [To Aaron.'\ Her 
ladyship wishes me to say that she would expect 
you to dinner to-night at eight. 

Aaron, But 

Lady Mah [firrnly and significantly^. She 
much regrets that you can't stay longer this 
morning. 

Aaron [jumping up, rather resentfidly, to go}. 
Yes. I must be off. [To Blanclie.} Good 
morning. 

Blanche. Good morning. 

Lady Mah, Good morning, Mr. Draper. 
[Eocit Aaron.} 

Blanche. I didn't know who I was talking to. 
So that is Mr. Draper. 

Lady Mah [very amicahly and alluringly}. It 
is. 

Blanche. That Lady Mab's engaged to? 

Lady Mah. Yes. What do you think of him.'* 
[Blanche, rather startled, remains silent.} I 
love him. 

Blanche. Do you.'* 

Lady Mah. Well, you know what I mean. 

Blanche, Yes, of course. He's very — er — 
trenchant, as one might say. 

Lady Mah [eagerly}. Yes, isn't he? That's 



32 BODY AND SOUL 

what I like about him. I think that's what Lady 
Mab likes, too. 

Blanche. I'd never heard of him till I 
happened to see his name in the paper this morn- 
ing. At first when I met him here I thought he 
must be a steam-hammer manufacturer or some- 
thing. And yet he's very nice with it. 

Lady Mab. Oh, no. He's got nothing to do 
with iron or steel. He's what they call a chemist. 
Not pills and prescriptions. No. He's with 
Polk, Schweitz and Co. They have several big 
works, you know, in Lancashire and Cheshire. 

Blanche. Oh! The German firm. 

Lady Mab. Swiss. 

Blanche. Oh, yes. 

Lady Mab. When he came home wounded the 
War Office wouldn't let him return to the Front. 
Polks were going in for poison gas, and he was 
wanted — chemistry, you know. I suppose Mr. 
Draper's responsible for killing more Germans 
than any other ten men in England. 

Blanche. More than the old gentlemen who 
kept on writing to the papers about self-sacrifice.'* 

Lady Mab. I was forgetting them. Of course, 
they won the war. 

Blanche. I expect that Lady Mab and Mr. 
Draper have known each other since childhood. 

Lady Mab. No. They only met about two 
months ago. In a lift at the Piccadilly Hotel. 



ACT I SS 

Blanche, How exciting! And he went mad 
about her at once? 

Ladi/ Mab [reflectively]. No. She went mad 
about him. 

Blanche. She must be very courageous. 

Lad^ Mab. She has the courage of her opin- 
ions. I'll say that for her. 

Blanche. But did she get herself introduced 
to him or what? It's so interesting to know how 
these things are done in the best circles. 

Lady Mab. She happened to be in the lift 
with her uncle, the present Marquis, who is al- 
ways sitting on House of Lords Committees and 
things, and he'd met Mr. Draper in some inquiry 
about the accounts of the Trench Warfare De- 
partment. So it was easy. 

Blanche. Every one's very surprised at it. 

Lady Mab. At the engagement? 

Blanche. Yes. 

Lady Mab. Why? 

Blanche. Weil, we all took it for granted she'd 
marry some one very famous — perhaps a Prince. 

Lady Mab. With Lady Mab you can take 
nothing for granted. That's her virtue. 

Blanche. But Mr. Draper is nobody, really. 

Lady Mab. How do you mean — ^nobody? 
He's a cousin of the Earl of Ross. 

Blanche, Oh! Then that explains it. I 
thought there must be something. 

Lady Mab. No, it doesn't explain it. Sha 



M BODY AND SOUL 

didn't know for at least a fortnight after she'd 
met him. 

Blanche. How thrilling it must be to be 
confidential secretary to some one like Lady Mab. 

Lady Mab. You can have it. 

Blanche [^surprised J. Is that so? Well, of 
course, it must cost you a lot for clothes. 

Lady Mab [at a loss for a moment; then, com- 
prehending^. Oh, I see. You mean these. She 
gives me all the clothes she's tired of. They fit 
me. 

Blanche. And evidently she's soon tired of 
them. 

Lady Mab [m a new tone^ . I say — may I ask 
your name? 

Blanche. Blanche Nixon. 

Lady Mab. Miss? 

Blanche. Oh, quite. 

Lady Mab, Well, Miss Nixon. You said just 
now you were very interested in the question of 
multiple personality. 

Blanche. Did I? 

Lady Mab. Yes, to Mr. Draper. 

Blanche. Did you hear us talking? 

Lady Mab. I came into the room. But you 
two were so busy over the typewriter you didn't 
notice me and I went out again. 

Blanche. I hope the machine will please you. 

Lady Mab \impatiently'\. Oh! I don't care 
a button about the machine. 



ACT I 35 

Blanche, But shan't you have to use it? 

Lady Mob [^recovermg her mistake^. Yes, yes. 
But I can use any old machine. How about this 
question of multiple personality? Lady Mab also 
is deeply interested in it — very deeply. 

Blanche [with gush^. I think it is more ex- 
citing than anything else in the world. 

Lady Mab. You have studied it? 

Blanche. I've read Procopo's pamphlet about 
the exchange of personalities. 

Lady Mab. But Procopo's pamphlet has 
never been published. It was only issued for 
private circulation. 

Blanche. Yes, but you may remember that 
Lady Mab sent the manuscript to our place to be 
typewritten for the printers. I copied it. No- 
body else in the office could make out the manu- 
script. 

Lady Mab, Really, this is most romantic. 
[With a movement towards Blanche.^ You and 
I seem to be kindred spirits, Miss Nixon. 

Blanche. How kind of you to say so. 

Lady Mab. But we are, aren't we? At first 
sight. 

Blanche. I'm convinced of it. 

Lady Mab. My name's Crane — Kitty Crane. 

Blanche. Yes, I know. A charming name. 

Lady Mab. How did you know? 

Blanche. You wrote to us for Lady Mab 
about the typewriters. 



36 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mah, Of course I did! May I talk 
frankly to you? 

Blanche, Oh, please do! 

Lady Mah. It's about Lady Mab. You know 
she and I are more companions than employer 
and secretary. She tells me everything. . , . 
She's not at all happy. 

Blanche. That's her engagement, of course. 
Girls seldom are happy just after they become 
engaged. They're apt to lie awake at nights 
wondering whether they've bitten off more than 
they can chew — if you understand me. 

Lady Mah, Perfectly. 

Blanche. And I suppose that Lady Mab's 
like other girls, after all. 

Lady Mah.. She is, only more so. She's a 
strange creature. 

Blanche [^sighs~\. We all are, aren't we? 

Lady Mah. She's tried so many things. She's 
nursed in the war. She's organised dozens of 
charity fetes. She plays the piano and the harp. 
She sings. She paints. She does social work. 
She even does journalism. She recites. She 
dances. She writes plays — ^little ones. She 
acts 

Blanche. But nothing professionally! 

Lady Mah, Oh, no. An amateur. And she 
just hates being an amateur. 

Blanche. How I know the feeling! I used to 
be a regular all-round amateur myself. 



ACT I 37 

Lady Mah, Indeed! 

Blanche, Yes. I was a school teacher in 
Warrington. 

Lady Mah. Warrington ! Never heard of it ! 

Blanche. I dare say. But Warrington exists. 
It has schools. I taught in one of them. I had 
to teach geography, histor}^ spelling, sewing, 
arithmetic, cookery, some mild religion, manners, 
hygiene, and twenty other subjects. And I 
was an amateur in all of them, except possibly 
combing vermin out of children's hair. Being 
high up in this business of educating the future 
mothers of the Imperial race, I got just over two 
pounds a week, and I only had to work about 
thirteen hours a day. The Teachers' Union 
demanded a decent war bonus, and the Borough 
Education Committee said it couldn't afford the 
money. When the Borough scavengers struck 
for four pounds a week and got it — well, I left 
Warrington and came to London to be a pro- 
fessional, and, by heaven, I am one at last. 

Lady Mah, A professional what, you adorable 
thing? 

BlancJie, A professional seller of typewriters. 
... I only tell you all this to show that I un- 
derstand pretty well how Lady Mab feels. But 
she's rich. I've never had that feeling. 

Lady Mah, Not so rich. She really spends a 
great deal. Never thinks about money. Not in- 
terested in it. In spite of her engagement she's 



38 BODY AND SOUL 

haunted all the time by the idea that she hasn't 
fulfilled herself. She wants an aim. That's why 
she's so taken up with these questions of human 
consciousness, individuality, and so on. That's 
why she's spent so much on Procopo — making his 
position. 

Blanche. Has she? 

Lady Mab, Oh, yes. Pretty nearly ruined 
herself. 

Blanche. I could do with her sort of ruin. 

Lady Mab [^solemnly^. Would you care to 
meet Procopo? 

Blanche. More than anything. He must be 
marvellous. 

Lady Mab. He is astounding! Come here to- 
night at nine, and you shall see him. That was 
what I wanted to ask you. . . . There may be 
a seance. 

Blanche. But what will Lady Mab say? She 
won't care to have a girl like me here. Fm a 
stranger. 

Lady Mab. She would like a stranger. And 
Lady Mab's a democrat of democrats, believe me. 
Wliat's more, I told her what I heard you saying 
to Mr. Draper, and she immediately asked me to 
ask you. She's like that. She's sick of her own 
set. 

Blanche, But what wiU happen at the 
seance fj 



ACT I 39 

Lady Mob [mysteriouslyl^. Who knows? Any- 
thing may happen. 

Blanche. I'll come. 

Lady Mab, That's sweet of you. Well, to- 
night at nine, then. 

Blanche. Thank you. By the way, shall I 
take the cheque. 

Lady Mab, The cheque.? • 

Blanche. For the typewriter. You see, it's 
supposed to be a cash transaction, and they're 
very strict at the office. 

Lady Mab [after a pause^. Certainly. I'll 
get Lady Mab to sign it at once, if you'll excuse 
me for a moment. Sixty-five pounds, you said. 

Blanche. Guineas. 

Lady Mab [at the door^. I'm sure you'll find 
to-night frightfully interesting. Lady Mab's a 
bit of a devil. [Exit.l 

[Enter Edith.} 

Edith. Please, Miss Nixon, I can't find the 
way downstairs. 

Blanche. But the lift's next door. 

Edith. Somehow I daren't ring for it. 

Blanche [after staring at her}. Well, put the 
cover on that typewriter. 

Edith. Yes, Miss Nixon. Then you did the 
business, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche, I did. And I'm waiting for the 
cheque. 



40 BODY AND SOUL 

Edith, And did you find out their fads and 
what pleases them? 

Blanche, I did. 

Edith, And did you make them think it 
pleased you? 

Blanche. I did. And I say, Edith! 

Edith, Yes, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche. Perhaps I shan't be at the office to- 
morrow. It's not sure. 

Edith. Why? 

Blanche. Well, as I said when we came in, 
one thing leads to another. And 

Edith. Well, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche [with an outburst^. Oh! I'm more 
than a bit of a devil, Edith. 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 



SCENE I 

Same scene as Act I, 
Time: The same evening. Lady Mab and Aaron, 

Aaron, Look here, Mab, a little madness is 
a very fine thing, and I wish I had more of it 
myself; but this notion knocks spots off the mad- 
dest of all your society stunts and crazes. More- 
over, it can't possibly succeed. It can't even 
begin to succeed. No ! Do you seriously think 
that you can palm off Miss Blanche Nixon as 
Lady Mab Infold? 

Lady Mab. I don't see why not? 

Aaron. Then I will proceed to enlighten you. 
The chambermaid would have to be squared for 
a start. You can't square a chambermaid — at 
least not effectively. The whole hotel would be 
buzzing with the thing about five minutes after 
you'd sworn the chambermaid to everlasting 
secrecy. 

Lady Mab. My darling little Aaron, do you 
seriously think that I am a damned idiot and 

41 



42 BODY AND SOUL 

that I haven't worked out the details? I shan't 
square the chambermaid. I shall simply ask the 
manager — to whom my paths drop fatness — 
I shall simply ask him to make a transfer of 
chambermaids and give me one from the seventh 
floor. That lofty girl won't know me from Eve. 
She's passed her life on the seventh floor. Hap- 
pily I never could stand having a maid of my 
own, and when I've wanted a maid I've always 
used Kitty Crane. Kitty's away ill. So she's 
safe. The fact is that no place is more private 
than a very big hotel. Blanche Nixon and I wiO 
leave the hotel perfectly openly to-morrow. True, 
the porters will salute us, but how can any porter 
be aware that she's me and I'm her secretary .^^ 

Aaron, Leave the hotel? Where are you go- 
ing to ? 

Lady Mah, To Staff^ordshire, of course, to 
lay the foundation-stone of that Municipal Health 
Institute at Bursley the day after to-morrow. 

Aaron [astownded^. Miss Nixon as you; and 
you as her secretary ! 

Lady Mah, Such is my intention. I'm hiring 
a car, to pick us up at Piccadilly Circus. Safer. 
We shall sleep at Stafford. 

Aaron [after roaring with laughter^. But my 
divine lunatic, it will be useless for you to try 
to play the secretary. You'll be recognised at 
once. 

Lady Mah, How? 



ACT II 43 

Aaron. Well, from photographs. The Daily 
Mirror circulates even in Staffordshire. 

Lady Mab. Innocent ! Nobody ever recog- 
nises anybody from photographs — at any rate 
not Press photographs. Did you recognise me 
when you first met me in the lift.'^ Did Blanche 
Nixon recognise me this morning.'^ The thing's 
impossible. Blanche Nixon's just about my age 
and build and complexion, and that's enough. 
As for me, I shall arrange myself a little for the 
secretarial role in some of Kitty's clothes. No- 
body knows me in Bursley. They only asked me 
to lay the foundation-stone because they knew it 
would be a good advertisement for their Institute. 

Aaron. And Procopo is coming to-night to 
engineer this enormous swindle? Then he'll have 
to admit that he's a common fraud. 

Lady Mab. Not at all. And I'm not yet con- 
vinced that he is a common fraud. 

Aaron. You were convinced this morning. 

Lady Mab. But he came to see me this after- 
noon, and he's unconvinced me again. Procopo 
is marvellous. After all, it might have happened 
to any spiritualist to be sentenced by a pack of 
provincial magistrates for fortune-telling. Pro- 
vincial magistrates are just like High Court 
judges — they love to see themselves in the papers. 
Procopo was very impressive to-day. He quite 
seriously believes that he may be able to change 
the individualities of two bodies, and transfer 



44j body and soul 

A's individuality to B's body, and B's individ- 
uality to A's body. He's going to make a tre- 
mendous experiment to-night, and he actually 
thinks he'll succeed! 

Aaron [humorously warning^. If he did you'd 
be Blanche Nixon, incidentally. 

Lady Mab. No. I should still be me^ but 
I should be in Blanche Nixon's body. I should 
love it. We'd take a flat at Walham Green and 
live happily ever after. 

Aaron. But I don't want to marry Blanche 
Nixon's body. 

Lady Mah, Not with me inside it? 

Aaron. No! 

Lady Mah. You're a bit difficult. However, 
you needn't worry. Of course Procopo won't 
succeed, really. But I shall succeed. 

Aaron. What do you mean? 

Lady Mah. You'll admit Procopo can hj^pno- 
tise. 

Aaron. Oh, yes. I suppose he can hypnotise 
all right. 

Lady Mah. He will put Blanche Nixon to 
sleep, and she won't wake up till to-morrow 
morning; and when she does wake up she'll find 
herself in my bed, and what's more in my 
pyjamas, and I shall go in and talk as if she 
was Lady Mab and me her secretary, and she'll 
believe I think she is Lad}^ Mab. Her mind will 
have been prepared, you see. 



ACT n 45 

Aaron, She won't believe any such thing. 
She's not such a fool. She's jolly clever. 

Lady Mah. Yes, she's jolly clever. But 
she's simply saturated with this theory of the 
exchange of individualities between bodies — I 
had two long talks with her — and she'll believe 
it quick enough. I'm jolly clever, too, in my 
small way, and didn't I rather accept the theory.^ 
All jolly clever people believe something. 

Aaron. And what about Procopo.'' He'll 
be coming along in the morning to see the result 
of his experiment. 

Lady Mah. We shall be gone. 

Aaron. Mab, you're an unmitigated humbug. 

Lady Mah. I'm not — not unmitigated any- 
how. 

Aaron. And how is the affair to end.^ 

Lady Mah. I don't know and I don't care. 
My motto is — ^Live dangerously. 

Aaron. I had enough of living dangerously 
at Ypres. The thing's bound to come out, and 
then there^l Jbe a scandal, and how are you go- 
ing to explain it.? 

Lady Mah. Dear youth, if you'd been on the 
inside of politics as I have, you'd know that any- 
thing can be explained. 

Aaron \^serio2isly and positively']. Well, I told 
you this morning I wouldn't permit it. And I 
will not. Is that clear.? 

Lady Mab \_seriously]. Quite. But you will 



46 BODY AND SOUL 

have to permit it. I gave in to you in everything 
this morning, and do you think I couldn't see 
you despised me for it? I'm not going to give 
in to-night. IVe always done what I liked, and 
everybody's always helped me to do what I liked. 
And I mean to have one more fling before I set- 
tle down. And you're not going to sulk. And 
you're not going to break oiF the engagement. 
You're going to play the game. 

Aaron {relenting^. You may well call it 
'*game." 

Lady Mob [with feelmgl. It's not a game. 
It's not a lark. It's more than a lark. You 
were all criticism of me this morning; and I felt 
it; and I do want to see whether somebody else, 
somebody as clever as I am, will be as big a fool 
as I am in my place. I can't argue any more. 
Do let me settle down — ^like a dove on your 
manly shoulders. You horrid darling'! \^She 
puts her arms on Ms shoulders. ![ 
[Enter Waiter.'] 

Waiter, Mr. Procopo is waiting in the hall, 
my lady. Shall he be shown up.'* 

Aaron, He shall. 

CURTAIN 



SCENE II 

Time: The same evening. Lady Mob, Blanche, 
Aaron, and Procopo, 

Procopo \_at the side of the roomJi. Is this 
the lamp switch, dear Miss Crane? 

Laby Mah, Yes. 

Procopo. And this is the chandelier switch? 

Lady Mah. Yes. 

Procopo. Bolt the door, please. [^Lady Mah 
holts the door.^ 

Procopo [to Blanche^. Listen to me. 

Blanche [with an appearance of ecstasy^. I 
am listening. 

Procopo. You agree to this experiment? 

Blanche. Willingly. Eagerly. 

Procopo. You know I do not guarantee its 
success? 

Blanche. I do. 

Procopo. You know that if the experiment 
succeeds your soul will issue from its present body 
and inhabit another? 

Blanche. Yes, yes. Lady Mab's. 

Procopo. It may be. You can conceive and 

47 



48 BODY AND SOUL 

foresee the inconveniences of the change. You 
accept them? All of them? 

Blanche. Inconveniences of Ladj Mab's body 
and identity? 

Procopo, Yes. 

Blanche. I accept them gladly. 

Procopo. I warn you that if the experiment 
succeeds you yourself will probably be unaware 
of any bodily change. While others see you in 
the flesh of Lady Mab, you will look in the glass 
and see what j^ou imagine to be Blanche Nixon. 
This unawareness of any bodily change on your 
part will be due to the absolute perfection of 
the adjustment between the soul and the new 
body. 

Blanche, Oh! . . . But surely, as Miss Crane 
here is to see the experiment she will know when 
it is over that I am really Blanche Nixon in 
Lady Mab's body, and things may be a little 
awkward. As for Mr. Draper 

Procopo. Child, do not attempt to instruct 
me. Everything has been thought of. Later, I 
shall put Miss Crane to sleep, and erase from her 
mind all memory of to-night. 

Blanche. I beg pardon. 

Procopo. In all that I have told you I am 
assuming, of course, the complete success of the 
experiment. There is an alternative. The ex- 
periment may fail completely. In which case no 
change whatever will occur, and everything will 



ACT II 49 

remain as it now is. [More sternly.'] There is 
another alternative. The experiment may suc- 
ceed, but only partially. In which case, at the 
worst, a soul — perhaps two souls — may be ren- 
dered homeless. Do you of your own free will 
face such a possibility.? 

Blanche [with a courageous air]. I do. 

Procopo. Are you ready? 

Blanche. I should like to ask two questions. 
Miss Crane told me when I came in that Lady 
Mab was already asleep under your influence. 

Procopo. Ah! Miss Crane told you that.^* 

Blanche. Where is Lady Mab now.? I have 
not seen her. 

Procopo [sternly]. And why should you see 
her? It is essential that you should not see her. 
As to her position in space, it has no relevance. 
We are about to quit the material world of three 
dimensions. 

Blanche. I understand. 

Procopo. Your second question? 

Blanche. Will the experiment, if it succeeds, 
have a permanent result, or shall I eventually 
return to my own bod}^? If so, when? 

Procopo [more sternly]. Who can tell? I 
cannot. I am only a seeker. We are challeng- 
ing the most mysterious and terrible phenomena. 
You are afraid? 

Blanche. No. I am not. 



50 BODY AND SOUL 

Procopo. Then are you ready? 

Blanche. Yes. 

Procopo. Go and lie down on the sofa. 
[Blanche oheys.^ Put your arms by your sides. 
Are you comfortable? 

Blanche. Yes. 

Procopo [moving to the switches^. First I 
shall put you into a hypnotic sleep. [He turns 
off the chandelier light, making the room quite 
dark. He then turns on a small shaded lamp 
over tJie head of the sofa.^ Gaze steadily at the 
lamp above your head. [He approaches the 
sofa.^ Gaze steadily. Steadily. Sleep. [He 
makes passes.^ Sleep. Do not rebel, for I will 
not have it. Sleep. Slip gently imperceptibly 
into unconsciousness. Your eyes are closing. 
They are shut. You are in the pre-hypnoidal 
state. [A pause.l Listen. You will not awake 
until to-morrow morning in full da^dight. [He 
turns away from her.^ She is asleep. 

Lady Mah. Already? 

Procopo. I have never failed to produce hyp- 
nosis in a normal subject. Which is your bed- 
room? 

Lady Mah. My bedroom? 

Procopo [with emphasis^. The secretary's 
bedroom, Miss Crane. 

Lady Mob [pointvng l.]. Here. 

Procopo. Go and light the bed-lamp — the 



ACT n 51 

bed-lamp only — and prepare the bed for the 
night. Go! I will deal with you afterwards. 
[Exit Lady Mah.'\ 

Procopo [fo Aaron\. I shall not have strength 
to spare to put a third person to sleep, even if 
you consented to submit to hypnosis 

Aaron [interrupting^. Which I do not. 

Procopo. I therefore count upon you to for- 
get utterly all that you are witnessing to-night. 
Indeed I only consented to your presence on 
that understanding. For a chance word from 
you to-morrow to either of these ladies might 
bring incalculable consequences. 

Aaron. That's all right. I'll say this for you ; 
you're a frauds but you're a pretty impressive 
fraud. 

Procopo [calmly^. The experiment will take 
eight hours to complete. Until to-morrow morn- 
ing you have not the least right to assume that 
I am even a failure, to say nothing of a fraud. 

Aaron. But, my friend, you're being a fraud 
all the time. 

Procopo [mildly^. How.? 

Aaron. In pretending to Miss Nixon that 
Lady Mab is only Lady Mab's secretary. You're 
carrying on quite solemnly the hoax that Lady 
Mab began in mere fun. 

Procopo [with a pitying smiWl. My dear sir, 
I beg you not to confuse trifles with fundamen- 
tals. The harmless and justifiable imposture 



52 BODY AND SOUL 

practised upon Miss Nixon first by the admirable 
Lady Mab, and then by me at Lady Mab's ur- 
gent request, is quite foreign to my experiment. 
It may just possibly help the experiment, for 
the reason that success is more likely if Miss 
Nixon remains ignorant of the physical identity 
of the body into which she is to pass. But the 
little imposture is on an entirely different plane 
from my sublime experiment. And no truly log- 
ical mind could argue from the one to the other. 

Aaron. Indeed! 

Procopo. You're a chemist, I believe. 

Aaron. Yes. 

Procopo. Therefore a man of science. 

Aaron. 1 hope so. 

Procopo ^dispassionately^. Then act like a 
man of science. I am confronting you with 
phenomena as to which your ignorance is evi- 
dently complete. The greatest men of science 
have hitherto in such circumstances adopted an 
attitude of humility, of caution, of agnosticism 
if you like; but they have never dogmatised, for 
dogmatism is vanity. To call me a fraud at this 
stage is mere dogmatism, worthy of a supersti- 
tious savage, unworthy of a man of science. 
[Enter Lady Mah.^ 

Lady Mab. Everything is ready. 

Aaron [to Procopo^. Go ahead. 

Procopo [turning to Blanche'\, In your sleep 
can you hear me distinctly? 



ACT II 53 

Blanche. Yes. 

Procopo. Your body will stay with you yet 
awhile. But forget it. Dissociate yourself from 
it. Loosen gently the bonds of that flesh. Seek 
quietly the fourth dimension. Do no more. Do 
not attempt to help me, for you cannot. I am 
the master, and you are the captive. Open your 
eyes. \_BlancJie does so.^ Now that you have 
opened your eyes you are still asleep. Answer. 

Blanche [dreamily^. Yes. 

Procopo. When I raise my hand high — not 
before — rise from the sofa. Go into the room 
which I have in mind. Undress. Get into bed. 
Turn out the lamp. And forget everything ex- 
cept what I have told 3'ou. You can hear noth- 
ing. You can see nothing except my hand. {To 
Lady Mah.^ Miss Crane, as soon as Miss Nixon 
has left the sofa you will be good enough to take 
her place and your part in the experiment. 
[Procopo turns to Blanche and raises his hand, 

high. Blanche rises. li 

[Blanche goes towards door, l., somnamhvlistic' 

ally, and Lady Mah taJces her place. As 

Blanche passes Aaron, who is now standing 

near the door, she deliberately winks at him.~\ 

Blanche [murmuring in Lancashire accent to 
Aaron as she winhs^. I'm fair in it. 
[Aaron gives a gesture and instantly controls him- 

self.] 

CUETAIN 



SCENE III 

Time: The next rrtorning. Breakfast is served. 
Lady Mah, in a secretary's frock, is arranging 

letters and newspapers on an occasional 

table near the breakfast-table. 
Enter Blanche, in a magnificent dressing-gown, 

of which her gestures show her appreciation. 

Blanche \^secretly nervous^. Well, what's to- 
day's programme, Kitty my girl? 

Lady Mab [blenching under the familiarity; 
tlien with great gaiety^. Good morning, m — my 
lady. Well, nothing, except, of course, that we 
have to leave in the car at a quarter to eleven 
this morning en route for Bursley for the founda- 
tion-stone laying to-morrow. 

Blanche [weakly^. Ah, yes. The foundation- 
stone laying. 

Lady Mab. Nothing but travelling to-day, 
unless, of course, your ladyship w)ants to go 
through your speech. It's being greatly looked 
forward to — I know that. 

Blanche [staggered, but controlling herself^. 
You're very gay. What is being greatly looked 
forward to.'' 

54 



ACT II 55 

Lady Mob [^with continued good humour^. 
Your speech, my lady. 

[Note. Lady Mah is, of course^ throughout 
pretending ignorance of the fact that 
Blanche is not Lady Mah: but she is not 
aware that BlancJie is aware of this pre- 
tence, and that Blanche is all the time out- 
deceiving her deception. The acting of the 
parts should emphasise the reality of the sit- 
uation to the audience by means of ges- 
tures and intonations.^ 
Blanche. The deuce it is! [With resolution.^ 
Well, when I have delivered it, it will be greatly 
looked back upon, believe me. 

Lady Mab, Your ladyship told me to order a 
car to meet us at Piccadilly Circus, as you wished 
to avoid reporters seeing you off, if possible. 

Blanche. To avoid reporters? Quite right. 
Quite right. 

Lady Mab. But I've been thinking — ^what 
about the luggage? How are we to get it to Pic- 
cadilly Circus without taking a taxi from here, 
which would excite remark? 

Blanclie. Take a taxi here! Certainly not. I 
want to sneak out. You must order another car 
to come here for the luggage and let it go direct 
to Staff'ordshire. Quite simple. 

Lady Mab [suddenly less gay'\. Very expen- 
sive — two cars all the way to Staffordshire. 

Blanche [benevolently^. What do I care? Let 
money circulate. 



56 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mab \_somewhat serious^. But your 
ladyship knows 

Blanche, Yes, she knows. 

Lady Mab \_with forced good humour J. Here 
are the newspapers. 

Blanche. I don't want to see the papers. 

Lady Mab. But your ladyship always begins 
with the papers. 

Blanche [^solemnly^. Kitty, you forget that 
everything is changed. 

Lady Mab. Changed.? 

Blanche. Yes. I'm engaged. And I can only 
think of one thing — my beloved Aaron. 

Lady Mab [startled^. Er — ^^es. 

Blanche. But you might just see what the end 
of the Daily Mail serial is to-day. We had a bet 
at the office — \^correcting herself^ — the Foreign 
Office. [Lady Mab semi-hysterically snatches up 
the Daily Mail.] About Enid, the heroine. 

Lady Mab [reading unevenly']. "The baronet 
stood on the steps of liis club in the darkness, 
gnashing his teeth." 

Blanche. Thank God he was foiled! [Sitting 
down to eat.] Come along, Kitty, do swallow 
something. You look terribly pale. 

Lady Mab [obeying. As she sits]. Now the 
impromptus — [taking up some notes], 

Blanche. The impromptus .^^ 

Lady Mab, The impromptus for the day. As 
your ladyship usually prepares them before do- 



ACT II 67 

ing anything else, so as to be on the safe side, I 
thought 

Blanche. Of course, my famous impromptus. 
Have you got anything for me? 

Lady Mah. Well, I think this might be use- 
ful. Some one said it to Lloyd George, but it 
hasn't got about yet. "The nineteenth century 
was the transfer of the vote. The twentieth will 
be the transfer of profit." Sums up two hundred 
years of politics, don't you think? 

Blanche \^airily~\. Not bad! Some one's bound 
to ask me what I tliink of the Labour situation. 
Then I shall say : "I'll tell you in ten words. [As 
if memorising to herself.^ Nineteenth — ^vote. 
Twentieth — profit. Nineteenth — vote. Tw'en- 
tieth — profit. Anything else? 

Lady Mah, Well, here's a good story: "There 
once was an old lady who didn't like green peas, 
and she said : 'I'm glad I don't like green peas be- 
cause if I liked them I should eat them, and I 
don't like them.' " 

Blanche [laughi/ng'\. Very funny. But, you 
know, I don't see the point. 

Lady Mah, Neither do I. But men seem to 
see it. And it's so useful because you can change 
"green peas" to simply anything. For instance, 
when coffee is served you can say, "Have 3'OU 
ever heard the story about the old lady who 
didn't like coff'ee?" 

Blanche. Could I work it into my speech? 



58 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mah, Of course, my lady. 

Blanche. Well, no, perhaps I'd better keep it 
for an impromptu. It's a great impromptu. 
Anything else? 

Lady Mah. I've found the finest mine of im- 
promptus that ever was — "The Note-Books of 
Samuel Butler." 

Blanche. Samuel Butler? Have I heard of 
him? 

Lady Mah. I should say probably not. No- 
body has. Here's a thing on marriage. Butler 
was in the East, and some Mohammedan asked 
him his opinion about the advantages of mar- 
riage compared with the advantages of the — er — 
other thing. And Butler replied: "In England, 
oh my brother, we have a great high-priest called 
the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the Arch- 
bishop of Canterbury once said: 'It is cheaper to 
buy the milk than to keep a cow.' " 

Blanche [solemnly^. Kitty, have you forgot- 
ten that I'm engaged to be married? 

Lady Mah [still gay']. Ah! But, my lady, 
you've got your reputation for cynicism to keep 
up. That story would help it. 

Blanche. So it would. . . j I think that'll be 
enough impromptus for one day. 

Lady Mah [turning to the day*s letters]. 
Shall we go through the letters then? \Tearmg 
open a packet.] Here are the press-cuttings. 

Blanche [taking them indifferently, and glanc- 



ACT II 59 

ing at therri]. I don't think I'll bother with these 
green things. 

Lady Mah [with astonished hilarity^. Not 
read jour press-cuttings, mj lady! [CaZmZ?/.] 
Very well. \_She hegvns to cut envelopes open.J^ 

Blamche. What are you doing, my good girl? 

Lady Mah. Don't I always open your letters 
for you? 

Blanche. Yes. But I keep on reminding you 
that I'm engaged now, and obviously things are 
not quite the same. Give me the letters. [She 
begins to open the letters herself. While doing 
so, she continues talking.^ Curious maid came 
in to see me this morning. Called me "miss." 

Lady Mah. Oh! I'll speak to the manager. 
But I think the girl's new to this floor. And as 
I've pointed out to your ladyship before, these 
little accidents are bound to happen so long as 
your ladyship absolutely refuses to keep a maid 
of her own. Not that I've the slightest objec- 
tion to acting as your ladyship's maid at any time. 

Blanche [still glancing at letters^. No maid 
of my own! Well, I think I shall get one now, 
seeing that I'm engaged. I say, has it ever struck 
you what funny names my friends baptise them- 
selves with? [Quoting from letters J\ "Spoon- 
ey," "Raffles," "Buncles," "Old Tom," "Dar- 
iingest," "Mrs. Wiggs," "Dearie." All congratu- 
lations ! Oh ! And "Tuppenny" — no date, no 
address. Now let me see, who's Tuppenny? 



60 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mob. The Dowager Duchess of Dorset, 
my lady, your ladyship's second cousin. 

Blanche. Of course. Tuppenny, the Dowager 
Duchess of Dorset. My cousin. Tuppenny. . . . 
Kitty, I'm not quite myself this morning, am I? 
Do I look myself? 

Lady Mob [gaily']. Oh! Quite. Why do you 
ask? 

Blanche. I don't know. I don't seem to be 
quite myself. I had a bad night. Memory gone. 
What did we do last night? 

Lady Mah, Nothing. We went rather early 
to bed. 

Blanche, So we did. I seem to have had a 
sort of dream of being carried in the middle of 
the night from one bed to another. 

Lady Mah [laughing]. Oh! What a funny 
dream ! 

Blanche, Perhaps it was the pyjam^as that 
upset me. [As she opens letters.] Congratula- 
tions. Congratulations. Invitation. Congratu- 
lations. Invitation. You're sure I've net aged 
in the night? 

Lady Mah, Not at all. 

Blanche, Just telephone to Museum one three 
double six — the typewriting place, you know — 
and inquire if Miss Blanche Nixon has arrived 
at business this morning. 

Lady Mah [still laughing]. Oh! That woman! 
Yes. Do you want her to come here? 



ACT II 61 

Blanche. No. I only want to know if she's 
arrived at business. [Referring to letters.^ Ah! 
Bill. Oh! Another Bill! Oh! 

Lady Mah [at telephone^. Museum 1366. 
Yes, one three double six. . . . Thanks. [To 
Blanche.~\ Number engaged. 

Blanche. I thought I heard a voice. 

Lady Mah. Only the Exchange. 

Blanche [still looking through correspond- 
ence']. Well, telephone to Mr. Draper and ask 
him to come and see me at once, before we start. 

Lady Mah. Mr. Draper.? 

Blanche. My Aaron. 

Lady Mah. Perhaps your ladyship forgets 
that you particularly told him last night he 
wasn't to come. 

Blanche. Because it might agitate me for the 
journey? 

Lady Mah. Well — I'm only repeating what 
you said, my lady. 

Blanche. It's sweet of you to remind me, 
Kitty, but last night was last night, and this 
morning is this morning. Get me the number 
and I'll talk to him myself. 

Lady Mah [at telephone]. Ma3^fair, eleven 
eleven. Yes, one, one, one, one . . . [To 
Blanche.] Number engaged. 

Blanche. How queer! Are odd numbers en- 
gaged as well as even.'^ Kitty, darling, go and 



62 BODY AND SOUL 

bring me my dress, will you, and bring those 
pyjamas too. 

Lady Mah [still very gay']. The pyjamas? 

Blanche. Yes. I want to decide whether 
they're really fit for the respectable provinces. 

Lady Mah. Yes, my lady. 

[Exit, almost dancing.'] 

Blanche [at telephone]. May fair, one, one, one, 
one. [Looks at contents of a big envelope while 
holding the line.] Is that Mr. Draper? It's me 
— er — Mab. I can't stop to talk now. I want 
you to come over at once. Come right up here. 
Will you? Thanks so much. [She hangs up the 
receiver. Lady Mah has entered with clothes.] 
I got his number after all, and he's coming now. 
You were entirely right. It will agitate me. But 
nature is so strong. [Lady Mah's face falls.] 
I say, what can this rigmarole here be? [Hand- 
ing over a foolscap document.] 

Lady Mah [drops clothes — the pyjamas are 
not revealed']. Mr. Draper is coming — now! 

Blanche [firmly hut kindly]. Pull yourself 
together, my girl. You're dressed, if I'm not. 
What is this? 

Lady Mah [pulling herself together and look- 
ing at the document]. Why. That's your speech 
for the ceremony to-morrow. 

Blanche [assuming full knowledge]. Of course 
it is. 

Lady Mah, Sir Henry has run it very fine 



ACT n 63 

this time. In fact I was beginning to get 
alarmed 

Blanche. Oh ! / wasn't. 

Lady Mab. No! It's true he's never failed 
you yet. The thing's a bit long and windy. 
That's always Sir Henry's tendency, isn't it? 
But your ladyship can easily shorten it. 

Blanche [who has taken hack the docmnent^. 
What's this? "In conclusion I may venture to 
express the hope" — ^why "venture to express the 
hope"? Why not simply and boldly "hope"? 
Nothing venturesome in expressing hope, is there? 
"I may venture to express the hope that the in- 
stitution whose beginnings we are witnessing to- 
day will serve to foster that good feeling be- 
tween the different classes of the community with 
their different functions which is so necessary 
to the welfare of the Empire, but which our Bol- 
shevists and Syndicalists are doing their best to 
destroy." What dreadful twaddle! Different 
functions be hanged! Unless he means that the 
function of one class is nobly to cook the meal 
and wash up, and the function of the other glo- 
riously to gorge itself. We aristocrats always 
begin to talk about good feeling when we see 
danger to our dividends. \_Strikes out the whole 
passage with a pencil.^ That's that, anyway. 
No. I'll make my own speech entirely. [Rips up 
the document.^ 

Lady Mab. Really, my lady ! 

Blanche. Yes, really. All out of my own head. 



64j body and soul 

I'll wake up this country, jou see if I don't, old 
Kitty. . , . And what's this? Registered! 
[Handling contents of another envelope.^ Oh, 
yes, Victory Loan. Bearer Bonds. Twenty-five 
thousand pounds. That's healthy. 

Lady Mah. Your ladyship told me to get 
Bearer Bonds because they're easier to realise. 

BlancJie. I'll keep them by m.e, handy. Make 
you feel sort of safer among all this Bolshevism 
and Syndicalism, don't they? 

Lady Mah \_appreliensive. Changing the suh- 
jcct^. I see there's another letter from the 
Mayor of Bursley. I wonder if he's still trying to 
get your ladysliip to sleep at his house to-night. 

Blanche. No. It's a woman's writing. The 
Mayoress, no doubt. Yes. ''Trust that after all 
you will see your way to honour us by accepting 
our hospitality for the night." 

Lady Mah [smiling superiorly^. Thej'^ are ob- 
stinate, these Midlanders, aren't the}-? 

Blanche. Well, I'll honour her. After all I 
hate hotels. 

Lady Mah. But he's an auctioneer. 

Blanche. I love auctioneers. Help me on with 
my dress — quickly. [She throws off the dress- 
ing-gown.'] 

Lady Mah [preparing to ohey]. But we are 
bound to be very uncomfortable at the Mayor's. 

Blanche [ignoring Lady Mah's remark, and 
picking up the very violent pyjamas]. No won- 



ACT II 65 

der I had a bad night. I shall give these things 
a miss for the provinces. 

Lady Mah [very polite^ hut ignoring Blanche's 
remark~\. And we've engaged rooms at the hotel 
at Stafford. 

Blanche \_as her dress is being put on']. This 
skirt does not fit at all well. I shall make my 
own wedding-dress. \_Looking at Lady Mah.] 
Kitty, why did you put on that extraordinary 
secretarial dress to-day? 

Lady Mah [contvnuing her own line of 
thought]. Yesterday your ladyship was quite 
decided against staying at the Mayor's. 

Blanche. Kitty! [Looking at her again.] 
Yesterday belongs to the dead past. And don't 
you forget it. 

Lady Mah [polite hut pouting]. I don't 

see 

Blanche. You don't see that you're getting 
a bit above yourself, my girl. 

[Enter Aaron, rapidly.] 
Aaron. Good morning. 

Blanche. My Aaron ! How quick you've been ! 
[She rushes into his arms and kisses him. Still 
holding him, and looking at Kitty, who is thun- 
derstruck and resentful, hut helpless. Firmly.] 
Kitty, go and change that horrible dress imme- 
diately. Put something of mine on if you like. 
I want to talk to Mr. Draper. 

CURTAIN 



ACT III 



SCENE I 

The Mayoress of Bursley^s drawing-room. The 
room is on the first floor. The furniture 
gives evidence of some taste. Two doors. A 
large French window down stage l. A small- 
er window back, through which is ohtamed 
a glimpse of a highly industrial landscape. 

Time: Afternoon of same day as Act II, 
Scen^ Hi. 
Mrs. Clews is alone. 
Enter Mr. Clews. 

Mrs. Clews. Five pounds, please. 

Mr. Clews [teasimglyl. Certainly. Fifty, if 
you like. Five hundred. 

Mrs. Clews [as he offers to kiss her, spurning 
him^. Nayl Five pounds and I'll thank you. 

Mr, Clews. What's it for? 

Mrs. Clews. You'll know when you've paid 
me. And you'd better look sharp. Trouble's 
coming. 

Mr. Clews [paying her~\. I shall stop it out 
of your allowance if there's any hanky-panky. 

m 



ACT III 67 

Mrs, Clews. You won't stop it out of my al- 
lowance. You've lost your bet. 

Mr, Clews. What bet? 

Mrs. Clews. You bet me five pounds she 
wouldn't stay with us ; and she's coming. , . . 
With her secretary, if you please. 

Mr, Clews [taken ahach^. She isn't! 

Mrs. Clews [showing him a telegram, which 
they both regard in silence^. She's late already. 
Of course. Those people always are. Never rely 
on them. Still, as you're late, it's a good thing 
she's late. 

Mr. Clews. I've disposed of over a hundred 
and forty Lots to-day. 

Mrs. Clews. I'm not denying it. But you're 
late, and she might have got here first, and then 
where'd you have been? 

Mr. Clews [heartily']. Well, I'm glad she's 
coming. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, I'm not. 

Mr. Clews. Why? 

Mrs. Clews. I didn't want her to come. . . . 
And her secretary. 

Mr. Clews. Then why did you make such a 
devil of a fuss about getting her here? You were 
determined to have her. 

Mrs. Clews. Yes, and you bet me five pounds 
I shouldn't. 

Mr. Clews. And now you've got her and the 
money, too 



68 BODY AND SOUL 

Mrs. Clews [handling Treasury Notes'\. 
They're very dirty. 

Mr. Clews. No money is dirty. Now you've 
got her you don't want her. That's you all over. 
\_Laughs.^ Child! Child — aged fifty. 

Mrs. Clews. I want her to come, but I don't 
want her to come. 

Mr. Clews. Clearness itself. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, of course it's clear! She's 
coming for a to^vn function. You're the Mayor. 
And I suppose I'm the Mayoress. It was our 
business to ask her to stay with us, and it was 
her business to accept. Why should she refuse, 
I should like to know. A nice thing her saying 
she meant to stop at a hotel at Stafford to-night, 
and drive over here to-morrow for the day ! Why 
Stafford? Well, anyway, she's coming. So that's 
all right. But I wish to goodness she wasn't. 

Mr. Clews [soothingly^. Yes. I dare say 
she'll be a bit fastidious. 

Mrs. Clews. Fastidious? She's never seen a 
better bathroom than the spare bathroom. I 
don't care who she is. Nor better service. Nor 
better tea than she'll get here. Nor better cook- 
ing, if my experience of London hotels is worth 
an3rtliing. No, it's not her ladyship's fastid- 
iousness that I'm afraid of. She's not my sort, 
and so you've got it, Ezra Clews. 

Mr. Clews [laughing^. She's my sort. 

Mrs. Clews. Oh, is she? How do you know? 



ACT III 69 

[Reflectively.^ First she won't, and then she will. 
Why couldn't she make up her mind and stick 
to it? I've no patience with such work. 

Mr. Clews, Asking anybody to dinner? 

Mrs. Clews. No. I'm not asking anybody to 
dinner. She couldn't expect it. 

Mr, Clews. Why not? 

Mrs. Clews. Why not? If I went up all of a 
sudden to stay with her, should I expect her to 
get her friends to meet me at six hours' notice? 

Mr. Clews. Jack'd be glad to come to meet 
her, for one. 

Mrs. Clews. Which Jack? 

Mr. Clews. Alderman. 

Mrs. Clews. That old bachelor! And what 
about his sister, I should like to know. 

Mr. Clews. Needn't ask her. 

Mrs. Clews. Oh, needn't I? You may be the 
Mayor, Ezra, but you aren't the Mayoress. I 
should never hear the last of it if I didn't ask her 
too. No, if I didn't ask the entire Council there'd 
be so much jealousy let loose in this town that the 
place wouldn't hold me. We shall dine what they 
call "quietly." 

Mr. Clews. All right ! All right ! D'you know 
why you're so cross, my pet? 

Mrs. Clews, I'm not cross. 

Mr, Clews. Yes, you are, and it's simply be- 
cause you're nervous. 

Mrs. Clews. Me nervous! You'll see whether 



70 BODY AND SOUL 

I'm nervous. I've got an official duty to per- 
form, and I shall perform it. But I shall keep 
mj place and I'll see she keeps hers. l[She jumps 
up suddenly and listens.^ They're there. 

Mr. Clews [^teaskigly^. Of course you aren't 
nervous. Any one can see that. 
[Mrs. Clews puts her fingers to her nose at him, 

and slowly sits down.^ 

[Enter Parlourmaid followed hy Blanche Nixon 

and Lady Mah.^ 

Parlourmaid [nervously^. Lady Mab Infold. 

[Exit.l 

Mrs. Clews [rising with dignity, to Blanche^. 
How do you do, Lady Mab? I hope you've had 
a good journey. It's very nice of you to come 
all this way. 

Blanche. Mrs. Clews, it's very nice of you to 
ask me to stay here. 

Mrs. Clews. Oh! Not at all. It's all in the 
day's work. My husband. 

Mr. Clews. Delighted to have you, Lady Mab. 

Blanche. How d'you do, Mr. Clews? This is 
my secretary, Miss Crane. [Indicating Lady 
Maby who languidly but politely shakes hands in 
silence.^ 

Mrs. Clews. Now do sit down. I'm sure ^^ou'd 
like some tea at once. 
Enter Parlourmaid and another maid with tea. 

Mrs. Clews. Now, Betsy, let's have that tea. 

Parlourmaid. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. 



ACT III 71 

Mrs. Clews, Won't you sit down and make 
yourselves comfortable? 

Lady Mob. I will. [Sits.'\ 

Blanche [^to Lady Mah^. You're rather ex- 
hausted, my poor dear. [Lady Mab gives an as- 
senthig gesture.^ 

Mrs. Clews \_to Lady Mab]. A cup of tea is 
what you want. [To Blanche.} Which chair 
will 3'ou have, Lady IMab? 

Blanche. D'you mind if I stand a bit? After 
sitting for over six hours 

Mrs. Clews [pouring out tea]. You feel as if 
you want to stretch yourself? I know. Well, 
there's plenty of room to walk about. 
[Ejjit second maid.] 

Patiourmaid [aside to Mr. Clews, confic^n- 
tially]. There's a parcel for you, sir. 

Mr. Clews. Bring it in. 

Parlourmaid. Yes, sir. [Exit.] 

Mr. Clews [to Blanche]. Do you mean to say 
you've got down in six hours? 

Blanche. And a quarter. 

Mr. Clews. You must have stepped out a bit. 
What car? Rolls-Royce, I reckon. 

Blanche. I never looked. Hired it. Hire 
everything. Saves so much responsibility. 

Mr. Clews. Eh! But I like my own car. 

Mrs. Clews. Not when you've run into a wall 
you don't, Ezra. [To Blanche.] I hope the gar- 
dener's looking after your chaujffeur. 



72 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanche. Oh, yes, thanks. He was waiting 
for us at the gates. [At the window.^ What a 
splendid view jou have here. 

Mrs. Clews, Should you call it "splendid"? 

Blanche. I think it's a splendid panorama. 
And that town hall in the middle with the gold 
angel on the top. [Roguishly to Mr. Clews.'] I 
suppose you live up here so that you can keep a 
fatherly eye on the whole town? 

Mr. Clews [laughingl. That's a good joke, 
Mary. 

Mrs. Clews [rather sternly to Mr. Clewsl. 
Will you please pass the cups, Ezra? [He obeys.] 
Take the sugar, too. Give Miss Crane hers first, 
as she's so tired. 

Blanche [still looling out of the window]. I 
like your town park. It's very big. But, of 
course, the town's very big, isn't it? 

Mr. Clews. Forty thousand odd. 

Blanche. Really. And I suppose they've made 
pottery here for thousands of j^ears? 

Mr. Clews. Well, fifteen hundred. [Enter 
Parlourmaid with parcel.] Undo it. 

Mrs. Clews. It's not so much pottery I object 
to. It's coal I object to. 

Blanche. You mean the smuts? [Taking cup.] 
Thanks. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, I do. 

Blanche. Well, Mrs. Clews, that's just what 
I was going to ask you. With all these big chim- 



ACT III 73 

neys all round, Bursley must be even smokier than 
London, and goodness knows London's smoky 
enough — ^how do you manage to keep your white 
curtains so clean? 

[Exit Parlourmaid. 1 

Mrs, Clews [touched, U7ibendmg'\, I change 
them. 

Mr. Clews [opening the parcel^. She had 'em 
changed this morning — for you. 

Mrs. Clews. I had them changed this morn- 
ing because it's the day for changing, not because 
of Lady Mab. [Stiffly again.^ As a matter of 
fact, I didn't know this morning that I should 
have the pleasure of Lady Mab's company 
to-day. 

Blanche. Well, Mrs. Clews, I'm awfully glad 
I decided to inflict myself on you — you and your 
husband make me feel so at home. I'd always 
heard that Five Towns people are exceedingly 
hospitable, but 

Mrs. Clews [rigidly^. We never make a fuss 
over folks. We expect them to take us as they 
find us. 

Blanche. That's what I like. Are those what 
you call pikelets? 

Mr. Clews. Fancy you knowing that name! 

Blanche. May I help myself? 

Mr. Clews. Your hands '11 be all butter. 

Blanche [tasting, joyously'\. Um — um — um! 

Mrs. Clews. Take this napkin, Lady Mab. I 



74 BODY AND SOUL 

dare say in London the^^ don't have napkins with 
afternoon tea, but we always do here. 

Blanche. Thank you. Oh! What a beauti- 
ful teacloth ! Oh, Mrs. Clews ! What a beauti- 
ful teacloth! [Examining teacloth.^ 

Mrs. Clews. Do you really think so? 

Blanche. It's lovely. [Turning over the cor- 
ner of the cloth.'\ 

Mrs. Clews [slightly disturbed^. You may well 
turn it over. Of course, the maids always put 
them wrong-side-up — always. 

Blanche [reflectively, still examining^. Yes, 
nearly always, don't they? But with such very 
^neW finished work it's easy to make the mistake, 
isn't it? 

Mrs. Clews. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. / 
should never mistake one side for the other. But 
girls don't look. 

Blanche. Of course, you can't buy things like 
that in London shops. 

Mrs. Clews [dryly^. No, I suppose not. 

Blanche [playfully accusingly. I believe you 
crocheted that yourself. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, I did it last year. I've 
no time for such fal-lals nowadays — the mayor- 
alty, I mean. 

Blanche. But where do you get these beauti- 
ful old English patterns from? 

Mrs. Clews. Oh ! Out of a crochet book that 
used to belong to my grandmother. 



ACT III 75 

Blanche. Well, I think it's simply marvel- 
lous. 

Mr, Clews [loohing up from his parcel^. 
You've made a friend of the old lady for life, 
that's what you've done. 

Mrs. Clews \_turning on him sharply^. And 
what are you about, Ezra? Do you call this 
entertaining ladies? 

Blanche [glancing at contents of the parcel^. 
Etchings, Mr. Clews? 

Mrs. Clews. My husband's got himself into 
the hands of those dealers in London. They send 
him down samples to look at, and once he's seen 
'em he's done for. Calls himself a collector — 
\_benevolentl2/^ don't you, Ezra? 

Mr, Clews. I've got a few [glancing at walls^, 
as ye see. Do you like D. Y. Cameron? Here's 
one. 

Blanche [looking at the etchingl^. Mountains. 
D'you know, I think I know more about teacloths 
than etchings. 

Mrs. Clews. That's right, Lady Mab. That's 
right. 

Mr. Clews. I told you you'd made a friend of 
her for life. 

Mrs. Clews. His father used to keep pigeons. 
He keeps etchings. 

Mr. Clews. I think I shall stick to this one 
[indicating the etching by D. Y. Cameron^, 

Mrs. Clews. How much is it? 



76 BODY AND SOUL 

Mr, Clews, Eighteen guineas. 

Mrs, Clews {looking at it^. It's marked twen- 
ty-one. 

Mr. Clews [with an air of innocence^. So it is. 
Think it's worth it, Lady Mab ? 

Blanche, Kitty here understands etchings bet- 
ter than I do. 

Lady Mob {looking at the etching negligent- 
ly'\. Very nice. Mrs. Clews, would you be very 
shocked if I had a cigarette? I'm afraid my 
nerves 

Mrs, Clews [benevolently reproachful], Ezra, 
what are you thinking of? 

Mr, Clews, Sorry! Sorry! [Hands ciga- 
rettes from his case to Lady Mab and Blanche], 

Mrs. Clews. And what about me, I should 
like to know? [To the astonishment of Lady 
Mab she takes a cigarette. As Mr, Clews strikes 
a match.] No etching is worth twenty-one 
guineas. That's what I say. You could buy 
quite a good muff for that. But have I quite a 
good muff? [She blows out the match which Mr. 
Clews offers to her.] Not three. 

Mr, Clews, Are you superstitious. Lady Mab? 
Blanche. Not a bit. But I don't believe in 
lighting three cigarettes with one match. 

Mrs, Clews, Of course not. It stands to rea- 
son. 

[All four smoke,] 
Mr, Clews. And what d'ye think of Muir- 



ACT III 77 

head Bone, Miss Crane? [^Showing another etch- 
ing.] 

Lady Mah [vaguely], Muirhead Bone? 

Blanche. Kitty, my child, I feel sure Mrs. 
Clews v/ill excuse you if you go and lie down. 
You don't look at all well. Will you excuse her, 
Mrs. Clews? 

Mrs. Clews, That I will. I'll take you to your 
bedroom myself, IVIiss Crane. 

Lady Mah, Thanks so much. 

Mrs, Clews [to Blanche], Would you care to 
see your room, too? 

Mr, Clews [interposing]. Nay, nay! I've 
something to say to Lady Mab, and I'll say it 
now. It's about to-morrow's affair. 

Blanche. Certainly, Mr. Clews. [To Lady 
Mah.] Don't think of unpacking, child. I'll see 
to that when I come up. 

Mrs, Clews [dryly]. She needn't. Your 
things will be unpacked by this time. 

[Exeunt Lady Mah and Mrs, Clews,] 

Mr, Clews, Now, Lady Mab. 

Blanche, Now, Mr. Mayor. 

Mr, Clews. Why do you say "Mr. Mayor"? 

Blanche, Because I feel sure you're going to 
be — er — municipal. 

Mr, Clews [laughs]. Look here, young lady! 
Before I proceed further, you and I had better 
come to an understanding. 



78 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanche, Yes, let's have it out — whatever it 
is. 

Mr. Clews. You're the celebrated Lady Mab 
Infold. You're one of the big bugs of what they 
call London society. Your father was a Mar- 
quis. My father was an auctioneer. 

Blanche. Yes, but all that isn't my fault; and 
it isn't yours, either. We're both quite inno- 
cent. 

Mr. Clews. As I was saying, my father was 
an auctioneer. And I'm an auctioneer. 

Blanche. Believe me, marquises aren't half as 
important as auctioneers. Why, without auc- 
tioneers England couldn't always be changing 
hands, could it? 

Mr. Clews. You're at it again. 

Blanche. But what I've always liked about 
auctioneers is that they're so — persuasive. 

Mr. Clews. Well then, we'll put it at that. 
And 3?^ou must let me persuade you that somehow 
I can't treat you as if you were the celebrated 
Lady Mab Infold and me only an auctioneer. I 
can't do it. 

Blanche. And why not? 

Mr. Clews. You know why not. You won't 
let me. You're not at all the sort of young 
woman I was expecting. 

Blanche. Oh! What sort of young woman 
were you expecting? 

Mr. Clews. Well, something a long sight more 



ACT III 79 

stuck-up and finicking and flim-flammy than you 
are. 

Blanche, I see. 

Mr. Clews. Yes. 

Blanche. Well, now I'll tell you something. 
I don't want you to treat me as if I was the 
celebrated Lady Mab Infold. And what's more, 
I should be extremely annoyed if you did. 

Mr, Clews. How do you want me to treat 
you? 

Blanche. Why ! As you are treating me, of 
course. I'm one human being. You're another. 
That makes two. 

Mr. Clews. Right! 

Blanche. So we've had it out and it's all very 
friendly, and we're as thick as thieves. Now the 
business. 

Mr. Clews. This foundation-stone laying. 

Blanche. What about it? 

Mr. Clews. Wants some arranging, you 
know. I always like everything to go off slick, 
and I always make a time-table — and stick to it. 
I suppose you'll just declare the stone "well and 
truly laid," like ladies usually do when they lay 
foundation-stones, and that'll be all. 

Blanche. Of course, it won't be all. 

Mr. Clews [surprised]. You're thinking to 
make a regular speech, then, are you? . . . I'm 
only asking because I've got to arrange my own 



80 BODY AND SOUL 

speech. You see, I have to boss the pro- 
ceedings. 

Blanche, Mr. Clews, why did you ask me to 
come here? 

Mr. Clews. Well, I saw in the paper as you'd 
been doing something similar in the East End of 
London; and the idea occurred to me 

Blanche. Yes, it was .an auctioneer's idea. 
You thought everybody would be on pins to have 
a look at me. You thought what a good ad- 
vertisement I should be for your Health Insti- 
tute, and how my name would get your Health 
Institute into all the London papers ! Now didn't 
you? 

Mr. Clews. Hang it! Yes, I did! 

Blanche. Anyway, you're honest. But really 
you've been very naughty, my dear Mr. Mayor. 
Very naughty indeed! You meant to use me like 
a mere doll. Now I just want to ask 3^ou con- 
fidentially — is this Health Institute a serious un- 
dertaking or is it a circus? 

Mr. Clews. It's the most important thing 
there's ever been in this to^Ti, and it'll be the first 
Municipal Health Institute in the whole coun- 
try. 

Blanche. And you're bursting with pride over 
it. 

31 r. Clews. I am. 

Blanche. Then why not treat it seriously, and 
let me treat it seriously? . . . No descriptions 



ACT III 81 

of my clothes in the papers. No photographs. 
No 

Mr, Clews. No photographs! But our two 
leading photographers have been engaged by the 
Daily Mirror and the Daily Sketch to take 

Blanche [excited^. What? 

Mr. Clews. Yes. Not to mention the Staf- 
fordshire Sentinel. 

Blanche. They must all be stopped. If they 
aren't all stopped, if you don't give me your word 
instantly to have them stopped, I'll go back to 
London at once — this very night. I hate being 
photographed. 

Mr. Clews. All right! All right! But we've 
always understood down here that you were the 
most photographed lady off the stage. 

Blanche {^persisting^. You give me your sol- 
emn word? [^Snatching up her dust-cloali.^ 

Mr. Clews. Why! Bless us! Yes. 

Blanche [dropping the cloah^, I'm a serious 
woman. 

Mr. Clews. So I see. 

Blanche [^allwringlyl^. You'll see even clearer 
to-morrow. 

Mr. Clews., Then your ladyship intends to 
show us Bursleyites how to run our Health In- 
stitute? 

Blanche. Not at all. But I intend to take 
the opportunity you've so kindly given me of 
spreading some of my ideas. 



82 BODY AND SOUL 

Mr. Clews, No doubt you're a practised 
speaker. 

Blanche. I never do anything else but talk. 
It's my specialty. 

3fr. Clews. And I dare say you've been look- 
ing the subject up? Well, it's very conscientious 
of you, and if my apologies are any use to you, 
they're yours. 

Blanche {^smiling^. I've certainly not been 
looking the subject up. I've had my ideas about 
municipal health for years. And I'm bursting 
with them just as you're bursting with pride. 
Like to hear some of them? 

Mr. Clews. I would that! 

Blanche. They're dangerous. 

Mr. Clews. I bet they are. 

Blanche. Well, in the first place, I'm not go- 
ing very strong on the anti-alcohol tack. Drink 
isn't a cause of misery; it's a result. It's a re- 
sult of you folks who manage to^vns not know- 
ing your business. Nine topers out of ten take to 
whisky because you haven't understood that 
people need decent bedrooms and recreation a 
great deal more than they need drainage and 
trams. 

Mr. Clews. That's a bull's-eye. 

Blanche. Secondly. If you looked after the 
mothers properly the mothers would look after 
the children, and there wouldn't be any infancy 
health problems. In this district you've got near- 



ACT III 83 

ly the highest infant mortality in the kingdom. 

Mr. Clews. Yes, but if you tell us so, only our 
respect for womanhood and the aristocracy will 
save you from being jolly well lynched on the 
platform. 

Blanche. I'll "jolly well" risk it. . . . You're 
keeping calm? 

Mr, Clews. I'm trying to. 

Blanche. Then, thirdly: In the work of a 
Health Institute you can't separate morals from 
medicine. 

Mr, Clews. We have done up to now. Doc- 
tors always do. 

Blanche, Show me one of your doctors and 
I'll ask him this: "Listen to me, doctor," I'll 
say. "You know what your consumption death- 
rate is." "Yes," he'll say. "Well," I'll say, 
"having regard to your consumption death-rate, 
how do you defend a system of morals that puts 
up a twenty-thousand-pound church in a slum 
where no man not an idiot would house a pig?" 
\_Mr. Clews rings the bell.^ . . . And I'll pause 
for a reply, and I'll see whether your doctors still 
refuse to separate morals from medicine. 
l^Enter Parlourmaid.^ 

Mr. Clews {^sitting downy to Parlourmaid^. 
Bring me a liqueur brandy — and quick. 

Parlourmaid. Yes, sir. \^Ea:it.^ 

Blanche. You perceive how alcoholism is a 
result and not a cause. 



84 BODY AND SOUL 

Mr, Clews [weakly^. Anything more? 

Blanche, One point, as you've mentioned doc- 
tors. I shall suggest a motto for your Health 
Institute: "First knock sense into doctors." 

Mr. Clews, Well, that's put the lid on. There's 
going to be three doctors on the Board of Man- 
agement. I see I shall have to order a special 
police guard for you after the ceremony. 

Blanche \_shaking her head^. Don't be 
alarmed. The crowd is much more likely to in- 
sist on dragging your car and me in it with ropes 
up to 3^our house. I've got something up my 
sleeve — an infallible recipe for popularity on a 
day like to-morrow. 

Mr. Clews. What is it? I should like a bit of 
it for myself. 

Blanche, Ah ! You'll know to-morrow. 
l^Enter Parlourmaid.^ 

Parlourmaid. A gentleman to see Lady Mab 
Infold. \^She hands a card.^ 

Blanche [after looking at the card, controlling 
herself^. Oh! Will you excuse me for a mo- 
ment? I'll just go out and see him. 

Mr. Clews, Take Lady Mab and the gentle- 
man into the breakfast-room. 

Parlourmaid. Yes, sir. 

\_Ea:eunt Blanche and Parlourmaid.^ 
[Enter Mrs. Clews.^ 

Mrs. Clews. You look startled. What on 
earth have you been doing to your hair? 



ACT III 85 

Mr, Clews, She's a whirlwind, that wench is. 
Mrs. Clews. She's a great girl. I almost wish 
I'd asked some of the folks to dinner. 

Mr. Clews, She's a great girl. But she's go- 
ing to make a speech to-morrow that'll turn this 
town head over heels. 

Mrs, Clews. Do the town good. We want 
more women to make speeches. Where is she.'* 
What's that chattering downstairs in the haW.? 

Mr, Clews, Some fellow's just called to see 
her. [Picking up card.^ "Mr. Aaron Draper.'^ 
Mrs. Clews. Why ! That's the one she's en- 
gaged to. [She Tmoves quickly towards the door.^ 
Mr. Clews, Where are you going? 
Mrs, Clews, I'm going to fetch him up here 
and have a look at him. 

Mr. Clews, But 

[Exit Mrs. Clews, 1 
[During the foregoing dialogue conversation has 
been indistinctly heard off, "/'m afraid this 
is rather a surprise for you.'* ''Shall I take 
your things, sir?'* "We haven't been here 
very long ourselves. Only just had tea.'* 
"/ came by the twelve-thirty express.*"* 
^'Will you and the gentleman come this way, 
my lady?** Etc.] 
Mrs. Clews [off]. Don't go in there, Lady 
Mab. Come in the drawing-room a moment. 
Blanche [off]. Oh! May I introduce Mr. 



86 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron Draper? Aaron, Mrs. Clews, our 
Mayoress. 

Mrs. Clews [oj^]. Very pleased, I'm sure. 
[^Enter Blanche, Mrs. Clews, and Aaron.^ 

Blanche [jondly^. Mr. Clews, this is my 3'oung 
man [patting Aaron^ — ^Aaron Draper. Aaron — 
Mr. Clews, otir Mayor. 

Mr. Clews. Glad to see you, Mr. Draper. 
[They shake hands. ^ Tliis is an unexpected 
pleasure. 

Mrs. Clews. But a pleasure it is. Now do sit 
down and make yourself at home. 

Aaron. It's an intrusion, Mrs. Clews, that's 
what it is. But some very important business 
turned up, and I thought it advisable to run 
down and see — er — Lady Mab immediately. 

Mrs. Clews [positively^. We'll leave you. 
Come along, Ezra. 

Aaron. But, please 

Mr. Clews. Nay, nay ! Get your business over 
first. I hope you'll stay for dinner. 

Aaron. You are very kind, but I'm afraid I 
can't. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, we'll argue that out after- 
wards. [Beclcons to Mr. Clews. ^ 
[As Mr. and Mrs. Clews reach the door, enter 
Parlourmaid with a liqueur brandy on a 
tray. Mr. Clews snatches it up and drinks 
it. Mrs. Clews gives an appropriate ges- 



ACT III 87 

ture of astonishment, then takes the glass 
and sniffs at it.] 
[Exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Clews and Parlourmaid.^ 
[As soon as she is alone with Aaron Blarache's de- 
meanour towards him changes to one of seri- 
ousness and reserve.^ 

Blanche. I think — er — Kitty's gone to lie 
down. Not feeling very well. 

Aaron. Oh! ... I came down at once be- 
cause I met your — er — uncle in Piccadilly this 
morning soon after you'd gone 

Blanche. My uncle 

Aaron. The Marquis. 

Blanche. Oh! Him! Yes? 

Aaron. I happened to mention about this 
stone-laying in Bursley. He didn't know any- 
thing about it. 

Blanche. No ? 

Aaron. As soon as your uncle heard that 
there was a Municipal Health Institute in the 
wind, he made up his mind to come down by the 
first train to-morrow and see the show for him- 
self. The old gentleman seems to be interested 
in such things. He's certainly very interested in 
you. 

Blanche [still cautiously^. Come down here? 

Aaron. Yes. 

Blanche [hlufpng']. Well, what about it? 
[With a forced laugh.'\ It's a free country. 



88 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron. Oh, certainly! But I thought you and 
— er — Kitty ought to be warned. 

Blanche. Warned? 

Aaron. Yes. 

Blanche. Why "wamed'\? Has — my uncle 
got rabies? 

Aaron. Well, of course that's for you to de- 
cide. 

Blanche [in a new tone\ Let me ask you one 
question ? 

Aaron. Welli^ 

Blanche [with significance^. As a general 
rule, when you've started out to do a thing do 
you believe in seeing it through? 

Aaron. Yes, I do. 

Blanche. You aren't in the habit of giving 
in? 

Aaron. No. 

Blanche. You don't throw the sponge [with 
a gesture^ up to the ceiling? 

Aaron. No. 

Blanche [approaching hini]. Whatever hap- 
pens? 

Aaron. No. 

BlancJie. Shake hands on it, then. [The^^ 
shake hands. ^ Something must be done. 
[Lady Mah opens the door. Blanche is still hold- 
ing Aaron's hand. As soon as she perceives 
Lady Mah her demeanour to Aaron becoTnes 



ACT III 89 

very affectionate, and site deliberately kisses 
him twice. '\ 

Blanclw. Darling ! 
[Lady Mah advances impetiiously into the roorriy 
and Blanclie affects to perceive her for the 
first time.^ 

Lady Mah [highly resent fid^. What! Again! 

Blanche [calmly and kindly^. My poor girl, 
I thought you were lying down. Are you better, 
or are you worse? 

Lady Mah [to Aaron\. The parlourmaid was 
bringing me up some eau-de-Cologne and she 
happened to tell me you were here. 

Blanche [soothimgly^. Ah! You are worse. 

Lady Mah [to Aaron^. What have you come 
for? 

Aaron. I 

Blanche [stopping him with an easy gesture. 
To Lady Mah^. You're not in a fit state to be 
bothered, my dear. Besides, there is no reason 
why you should be. Mr. Draper has come to 
see me, not my faithful secretary. 

Lady Mah. I shall be obliged if you will let 
me see Mr. Draper alone. 

Blanche. No, my poor child. You obviously 
aren't yourself. You might do something you'd 
regret afterwards. You might, for instance, 
scratch my Aaron's beautiful face. 

Lady Mah [with an outhurst]. Good God! 



90 BODY AND SOUL 

Don't you think this play-acting has gone far 
enough ? 

Blanche. Kitty, please don't be blasphemous. 
"Play-acting"? What do you mean? 

Lady Mah. You know perfectly well you 
aren't me. 

Blanche l^soothingly^. Did I ever say I was? 
iTo Aaron, who was about to speak.^ No, no! 
Gently. She must be reasoned with gently. [To 
Lady Mah.^ Of course I'm not you, dear. 

Lady Mah. I mean you're not Lady Mab In- 
fold. You're only Blanche Nixon. 

Blanche [^blandlyli. Blanche Nixon? Blanche 
Nixon? Where have I heard that name? Oh, 
yes. The typewriter woman. My poor child, you 
aren't merely worse, you're very much worse. 
You never spoke a word all the way down. Some 
people might have thought you were sulking. But 
I felt sure you were only unwell. I'd no idea you 
were so unwell. 

Lady Mab. It's a plot against me. 

Blanche. What's a plot against you? 

Lady Mab. His being here like this. 

Blanche \^to Aaron^. Of course, they always 
imagine plots when they get themselves into this 
state. [To Lady Mab coaxingly.^ Kitty, please 
do keep steady. Don't let your mind go en- 
tirely. I'll tell you why Mr. Draper is here. He 
heard that the Marquis thought of coming down 
to-morrow morning to see the show — a pleasant 



ACT in 91 

surprise for me ! And so Aaron very kindly made 
a special journey to let me know. That's the 
simple truth. You see that if there's any plot 
it's not mine — it's the Marquis's. 

Lady Mab. Uncle coming here! Oh, I'm so 
glad. 

Blanche \^to Aarori\. "Uncle"! [To Lady 
il/afo.] The Marquis will not come here, Kitty. 
I shall stop him from coming. Just take down 
this telegram, will you? A little secretarial work 
may do you good. 

Lady Mab. Take down a telegram? Indeed 
I shall not take down any telegram. 

Blanche [kindly but firmly^. Kitty, did you 
or did you not come here as my secretary? An- 
swer me now. 

Lady Mab [after hesitating^. Yes. 

Blanche. Then you will be good enough to 
take down this telegram. [Handing pencil.^ 
Here's a pencil. Aaron, get some paper. [Look- 
ing round. ^ Your card there will do. Give it to 
me. It's quite short, the message is. [Aaron 
hands the card to Blanche, who forces it on Lady 
Mab.^ Get the address right first. Then go on: 
"My sweetest uncle. I absolutely forbid you to 
come here to-morrow. If you do I will make a 
scandal. — Mab." [Lady Mab writes.'l Got it? 
Right. [Takes the card.~\ As if I'd have that 
interfering old fool of a Marquis worrying me 
here to-morrow . . • 



92 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mah \_outraged^. "Interfering old 
fool" ! 

Blanche. Aaron darling, run off with that to 
the post office at once, will you? And be sure 
to copy it out correctly on to the form. 

Aaron. Yes, yes. 

Lady Mah [appealmgly^. Aaron! 

Blanche [sincerely reproachful]. Kitty, Kitty! 
You mustn't call people by their Christian names 
like that. One would think you were engaged 
to him yourself. Don't wait, Aaron. I say, 
Aaron. Better not come back. [She waves him 
a kiss.] 

Aaron [positively; with evident relief at being 
able to get away]. I shall not. [£^<2:*f.] 

Lady Mah [in a new decided tone]* I'm going 
— this instant. 

Blanche. Where to.^^ 

Lady Mob. Back to town. 

Blanche [hvndly]. I won't permit it. 

Lady Mab, You can't stop it. 

Blanche, You haven't got any money. 

Lady Mab. Yes, I have. 

Blanche. My poor forgetful child! Don't 
you remember I borrowed every shilling you had 
on you before we started? 

[Lady Mab gives a great hysterical squeal of 
anger and despair, and drops on to an arm- 
chair.] 



ACT III 93 

Blanche, That's better. That will ease you. 
Try to cry, my dear. 

[Enter Mrs. Clews. ^ 

Mrs. Clews. Whatever's amiss.'* Whatever's 
amiss ? 

Blanche [stroking Lady Mah^. It will be quite 
all right in a minute, Mrs. Clews. Poor Kitty 
came down because she thought I might want 
her. And she oughtn't to have come. The strain 
was too much for her. She has these fits some- 
times. A form of hysteria. [In a lower voice.^ 
She has delusions. It'll soon pass. We must get 
her to bed. 

Mrs. Clews [gently^. There, there. Miss 
Crane! [Aside to Blanche.^ I should suggest 
some castor-oiJ 

CURTAIN 



SCENE II 

Time: Late the next afternoon. 
Enter Blanche and Mrs. Clews, followed hy the 
Parlourmaid. Blanche and Mrs. Clews drop 
into chairs in attitudes of exhaustion. 

Mrs. Clews. What a day of it! . . . Well, 
Betsy, has cook come back? 

Parlourmaid . Oh, yes, 'm. She hurried up 
th' hill till she's all throbbing. 

Mrs. Clews. Here, take this. [Gives Parlour- 
maid a garment. ~\ Did cook like it? 

Parlourmaid. She dared na stay till th' end, 
m'm; but she stayed till th' end o' Lady Mab's 
speech, and she says it was beautiful, especially 

the last bit. 

» 

Mrs. Clews. The last bit? 

Blanche. The bit where I tried to do the Mid- 
land accent, I expect. [To Parlourmaid. ~\ You 
must tell cook I take it as a great compliment — 
from her, Betsy. 

Parlourmaid. Oh, I will, me lady. 

Mrs. Clews. "Tried to do the Midland ac- 
cent." You did it better than I could have done 
it myself. It was the most delicious surprise for 

94 



ACT III 95 

all of us. [To Parlourmaid.] I hope you've 
been looking after Miss Crane. 

Parlourmaid. Oh, yes, 'm. Her was for get- 
ting up. 

Mrs. Clews. Getting up, was she? Did she 

get up? 

Parlourmaid. Her started to get up, 'm. But 
I went out o' the room and locked th' bedroom 
door on th' outside. 

Mrs. Clews. Locked the door! Whatever 
were you thinking of, my girl? 

Parlourmaid. Ye told me I wasn't on no ac- 
count to let Miss Crane get up. I couldn't stop 
her from getting up, but says I to myself, "I 
can't stop ye from getting up, but I can stop ye 
from coming out, miss," and I did. What was 
the last words ye said to me, m'm? "I leave ye 
in charge, Betsy," ye said. 

Blanche [alarmed but amused], I'd better go 
upstairs and see Kitty. 

Parlourmaid. Ye better hadn't, my lady. 
Her's asleep again now. I unlocked th' door and 
looked in. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, you're a nice sort of girl, 
I must say, Betsy! Did Miss Crane say any- 
thing? 

Parlourmaid. Well, she did say a few things, 
m'm. But I didna' catch much, what with it be- 
ing through th' door and her talking so funny. 

Mrs. Clews. Talking so funny? 



96 BODY AND SOUL 

Parlourmaid. The way her talks, m'm {^imita- 
tmg LoTidon accent J^. Ow, now! 

Blanche. Like me, you mean? 

Parlourmaid. Oh! Worse than you, my lady. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, that will do for the mo- 
ment, Betsy. We've had tea at the Town Hall. 

Parlourmaid. Thank ye, m'm. 

Mrs. Clews. Take Lady Mab's things. 

Parlourmaid. Yes, 'm. [-E^if.] 

Mrs. Clews. I really must apologise to you 
for that maid locking Miss Crane in. I never 
heard of such a thing! But the worst of Betsy 
is she always will do a bit more than she's told. 

Blanche. You know as well as I do it's side- 
splittingly funny. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, it is. But what will Miss 
Crane think? 

Blanche, Oh! Don't trouble about Kitty. 
I'll attend to Kitty. 

Mrs. Clews. I do wish sheM been able to be 
at the lunch and the ceremony and the tea. She'd 
have enjoyed your success ever so much. 

Blanche [enigmatically!^. Wouldn't she! 

Mrs. Clews. Eh, but I'm pleased it wasn't a 
bazaar. I can't bear bazaars. They're the 
stupidest way of raising money I ever struck in 
my bom days. 

Blanche. How I agree with you! A bazaar 
is always the grave of a reputation. 



ACT III 9T 

Mrs. Clews, You've made your reputation 
down here, anyhow, for ever and ever. 

Blanche. Have I? 

Mrs. Clews {laughing to herself'\. Oh! Some 
of the faces when jou were hitting them under 
the ribs in your speech. But they all had to 
laugh. You simply carried them off their feet — 
everj^body ! 

[The sound of an approaching band is heard in 
the distance, at first very faintly.^ 

Blanche. Well, they carried me off my feet. 
I'm so glad of a bit of quiet after it all. [Sighs. ^ 

Mrs. Clews. I'm gladder, I can tell you that! 
We might have had half the Town Council in. 
the house by this time if you hadn't been so 
clever. "She's a wise 'un," I said to myself when 
you whispered to me to have the car sent round 
to the side-door of the Town Hall. 

Blanche. I'm not so wise as all that, Mrs. 
Clews. I'm quite, quite mad, if you really knew. 

Mrs. Clews. Well, we could do with a bit more 
madness of your sort. [With a movement. 1^ 
You'll excuse me if I speak frankly. Until I met 
you I always thought you were quite mad. 

Blanche. Ohl Why? 

Mrs. Clews. Well, from what I read in the 
papers. I dreaded your coming here. But I was 
determined to have you. I'm very determined, I 
am. 



93 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanclie, And d'you know, I dreaded coming 
here. 

Mrs. Clews [^slightly taken abacJc^. You did? 
I hope you've been comfortable. 

Blanclie, Oh, Mrs. Clews, I've loved it. But 
perhaps it hasn't occurred to 3'ou that all houses 
of provincial mayors aren't like yours. In some 
houses you don't have your boots cleaned, you 
have them licked — all the time. I hate that. And 
then you're shown off from morning to night like 
a prize cow. I hate that, too. But I've never 
had my boots licked here, and you've not shown 
me off once. 

Mrs. Clews, Well, it never struck me in that 
light, but I see what you mean. 

Blanche. You talk about the papers. But can 
I help the papers.'' Do you know that there's 
no law to prevent a newspaper photographer 
taking a snapshot of you whenever he feels in- 
clined ? 

Mrs. Clews. I should like to catch 'em trying 
to take a snapshot of me! I'd snapshot 'em. 

Blanclie. You see, I move in a world of mar- 
quises and millionaires. Always did. And it's a 
very queer world. 

Mrs. Clews [emphatically~\. It must be. It 
seems to me as if you'd always got to be at some 
"do." 

Blanclie. Quite true. Now your husband's an 
auctioneer, and he collects pictures and things, so 



ACT III 99 

you'll understand — [breaking o/f]. What's that 
music ? 

Mrs, Clews, I expect it's the band that played 
at the stone-la^nng — the Bursley Town Silver 
Prize Band. What were you saying about auc- 
tions ? 

Blanche. Will you believe me that in my 
world it's the correct thing to go to all the big 
auction-sales at Christie's. One simply has to go. 

Mrs. Clezcs. But why? 

Blanche. Well, to be in the swim. One can't 
avoid it. You hate bazaars, but you go to them, 
don't you? 

Mrs. Clews, Ah! But you see, I'm the 
Ma7/oress, 

Blanche. Yes. I was forgetting that. Still, I 
assure you we all have social obligations. 

Mrs, Clews, How odd! Then there's another 
thing. You people seem always to be at the big 
divorce cases and things. 

Blanche, Because our friends are always m 
them. 

Mrs, Clews, But you aren't married. Lady 
Mab! 

Blanche, Oh! That makes no difference — in 
my world. Besides, I'm engaged. And then I 
know all the judges. And supposing a judge 
asks me at dinner whether I'd like a ticket for a 
certain case. I couldn't offend him by refusing. 

Mrs, Clews, Why not? 



100 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanche, Doesn^t do to offend a judge. You 
never know what may turn up. 

Mrs, Clews [rather shocked'^. Nay, nay! 

Blanche. I'm only telling you to show you how 
difficult the position of a girl like me is. 

Mrs, Clews, Well, I suppose every one has 
their own troubles. But I'll say this — ^you're too 
good for your world. 

[Enter Mr, Clews,"] 
[The sound of the hand is now quite loud,] 

Mr, Views, Well, folks ! 

Mrs. Clews, Ezra, what's that band coming 
up this way for? Is it going to the station? 

Mr, Clews, It's going to no station, missis. 
It's coming into your garden. And there's about 
a couple of thousand people following it. 

Mrs. Clews, What for? 

Mr, Clews, Well, why do people follow a band? 
This one's set on serenading Lady Mab. [To 
Lady Mah.l You ran off, and the band's com- 
ing after you, that's all. 

Blanche, Oh dear! 

Mrs. Clews. It's a pity we can't have a bit 
of peace. You ought to have stopped it. You 
can see Lady Mab doesn't like it. 

Mr. Clews. It's your own fault, Lady Mab. 
You shouldn't have made yourself so popular. 
But, my word! You've given my Health Insti- 
tute a leg up in the world; and I thank ye with 
all my heart. Your recipe for popularity worked 



ACT III 101 

like a charm. It was infallible, right enough. 

Blanche. My recipe for popularity? 

Mr, Clews, Yes. Yesterday afternoon you 
told me you*d got an infallible recipe for popular- 
ity, and by gum you had. I never saw such an 
effect as you made when you began to talk to 
'em in their own dialect. 

Blanche, But that wasn't my recipe for popu- 
larity. 

Mr, Clews, Wasn't it.? 

Blanche. I haven't used my infallible recipe 
for popularity yet. Haven't wanted it. 

Mr, Clews, Well, you won't want it now. 

Blanche, Oh ! I may use it yet. 
[The handy having grown very loud, comes to the 
end of its time, and the nmrmiir of people 
is heard.'\ 

Mrs, Clews \who had put her fingers to her 
ears^. Thank goodness ! 

Mr, Clews [going to the window^. Yes, but 
look here. Something's got to be done about 
this. The people '11 soon be all over your flower- 
beds, missis, and there's about a million of 'em 
in the park beyond. 

Mrs, Clews, Eh, Lady Mab. You've a lot to 
answer for. 

[Blanche goes to the window and looks out, hy the 
side of Mr, Clews, Cheering is immediately 
heard, and cries of "Lady Mab," "Thafs 
her,'* "Speech," Blanche shakes her head,'\ 



102 BODY AND SOUL 

Mr, Clews, Nay. You'll have to say some- 
thing, Lady Mab, or they'll pull the house down. 
They're very hearty in this district. 

Voices. Speech! Give us a bit o' th' right 
sort. 

Blanche \_to the crowd belowli. My kind friends, 
I'm very much obliged to you all, but I said all 
I had to say this afternoon. If I said it again 
you might lynch me, and I'm not quite ready for 
lynching. 

[Laughter helow,'\ 

Voice, Give us a bit o' Staffordshire, wench. 
Summat as us can understand. 

Voice. Good owd Mab! 

Blanche [imitating the local accent^. So it's 
good owd Mab, is it? Eh, there's been a lot 
o' flattery this day. There's been a lot o' but- 
tering up. I'm none so fond o' buttering up, 
mysen. I towd all your nobs a thing or two this 
afternoon. And I'll tell you a thing or two now, 
and don't say ye havena' asked for it. I went 
over one o' yer pot-works this morning at nine 
o'clock, and it was very white. Then I went 
down one o' yer coal-pits at eleven o'clock, and 
it was very black. [Laughter,!^ I was afeard I 
should never come up again, and when I come 
up I was that like a nigger as my husband as is 
to be wouldna' ha' known me. [Laughter.^ Then 
I put on my best Sunday togs and I were off to 
th' stone-laying. So ye may say as I've seen 



ACT III 103 

your town. Eh, but you're a grand folk. And 
it's a grand town. But it's rare and dirty; that 
it is. They dunna give soap and scrubbing- 
brushes away in this to\7n. \_Laughter.^ I've 
heard a lot o' grumbling about the Town Council. 
I'll be bound it's as good a council as there is in 
England, but if ye want a better ye'll have yer 
chance at th' next election. Who makes th' Town 
Council if it isna' yeselves? Put some women 
on it. [^Cheers.^ Put th' Mayoress on it. She's 
got more sense than ten men. [^Cheers. ^ 

Voice. Down with aristocrats ! 

Blanche. What's that.? 

Voice. Down with aristocrats ! 

Blanche [^London accent^. Well, supposing 
my father was a marquis? What about it? I 
didn't choose my father, you know; but I'm 
proud of him. [Clieers.^ 

Voices. Down with profiteers ! Share and 
share alike! 
[Lady Mab enters unobserved in a dressing-gown.^ 

Blanche [^pointing belom^. It's you there, is 
it, who are talking about share and share alike. 
You with a grey cap like a tail-end of a dish- 
cloth. \_Laughter.^ Have you got anything of 
your own? Did you buy any Victory Bonds, by 
any chance? 

Voices. Go it, Mab! He's got fifty pounds' 
worth o' Victory. Bought it at the post office 
on th' last day. 



104j body and soul 

Blanche, Got fifty pounds' worth, has he? 
Well, let him act on his own principles and share 
it out. Now then, out with it, my friend. 

Voices. Good owd Mab! 

Blanche. He isn't unbuttoning his pockets, 
I see. Well, I'll set him the example. I've got 
more than fifty pounds' worth of Victory Bonds. 
I've got twenty-five thousand pounds' worth. 
And here they are. [^SJie produces the scrip. 
Then in local accent.^ I keep 'em in me bodice 
for safety. {^London accent.^ I brought them 
down with me on purpose. They're bearer bonds 
and they're as good as money. And I'm going 
to give them to your Health Institute because I 
believe in health institutes, and I believe in you. 
Mr. Mayor, please take them, with m}^ best 
wishes. [She hands the scrip to Mr. Clews. 
Aside to Mr. Clews. ^ That's my recipe for pop- 
ularity. 

Lady Mab [coming forward^ to Blanche, fran- 
tically. 'I Do you know that's my last penny in 
the world? 

[Loud cheering, which continues after the fall of 
the curtain. The hand begins to play "For 
he^s a jolly good fellow.^'^ 

CURTAIN 



ACT IV 



SCENE : SAME AS ACT I 

Time: Mornmg of the next day hut one. 

Lady Mah is alone, looking through a pile of 
press-cuttings. The room has been disor- 
dered by the operation of packing. 
Enter Aaron, back. 

Lady Mab, without taking any notice of him, 
quietly drops the press-cuttings and resumes 
her packing. 

Aaron [collecting himself]. Good morning, 
Mab. I dare say you know — the waiters are on 
strike, so I had to announce myself. 

[Lady Mab bows and then ignores him.} 
Aaron [more firmly]. Good morning, my dear. 

[Lady Mab ignores him.] 
Aaron [still more firmly]. Good morning, my 
adorned goddess. 

[Lady Mab ignores him.] 
Aaron. An affection of the throat? . . . 
Quinsy.? No? [He approaches her. She mo- 
tions him away.] Ah! Something contagious. 
[Lady Mab ignores him.] 
105 



106 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron, In a crisis like this the great danger 
is the danger of being stupid and conventional. 
The great safeguard is to remember that I am 
not a character in a novel, but a living man who 
has just had bacon and eggs for breakfast. A 
character in a novel would certainly say: "I'm 
sorry I'm de trop/^ and he would depart ^vdth 
sham dignity. I shan't say I'm sorry I'm de 
trop, and I shan't depart. . . . Mab, where is 
your famous politeness? . . . Mab, don't behave 
like a foolish capricious aristocrat. . . . Mab, 
don't be a damned fool. 

[Eicit Lady Mab, l., carrying something into the 
next room.^ 

Aaron [with restraint and with about twenty 
per cent, of humour in his tone^. Leave that door 
open or I'll break it in. [Approaching the doorS\ 
You shall suffer for this, you ridiculous little 
sulking schoolgirl. What's the origin of this silly 
circus? Is it because I haven't written to you? 
I didn't know how to address the envelope. Is 
it because I put myself to the trouble of warn- 
ing you about your preposterous uncle? No. 
You were jolly grateful. [A noise of something 
falling in the next roomJ\ Serves you right. 
You should have asked me to help you. . . . 
Is it because I didn't support you in the scrap 
with Blanche Nixon down at Bursley? Rot! 
You gave me a part to play, and I played it. 
And that's more than you can say for yourself, 



ACT IV 107 

my girl. [Lady Mah re-enters with boxes. ^ And 
don't you imagine you can come the society 
darling over me, because you can't. I back 
myself to keep on talking longer than you can 
hold your tongue — your scandalous little forked 
tongue. And, if necessary, I'll assault you. And 
it'll be no use your ringing because there aren't 
any manly Corsican waiters to-day to come to 
your rescue. [Lady Mah continues her packing.^ 
Only three days ago you wanted me to save 
your soul and to help you to fulfil yourself. You 
wanted to be my bally doormat. [Lady Mob is 
now standing quite still.^ And now you seem 
determined to be Lot's wife. Well, you aren't 
Lot's wife. You're my fiancee. And anyhow 
I'm not Lot. 

[Lady Mah suddenly picks half a sheet of writ- 
ing-paper off the table and hands it to him.^ 
Aaron. Ah! [Reading.^ "Copy. The mar- 
riage arranged between Mr. Aaron Draper and 
Lady Mab Infold will not take place." Oh! 
Notice in writing to quit! Otherwise the simple 
chuck! Why? If I'm not too inquisitive. 

Lady Mab [removing the engagement ring from 
her finger. Very politely^. I can't return the 

presents because there haven't been any 

Aaron. Ah! At last. I knew I could keep 
on talking longer than you could hold your 
tongue. 



108 BODY AND SOUL 

Lady Mah. Except this of course. [He takes 
the ring,^ 

Aaron. Well, as to there being no presents, 
you'll admit that in the limited period at my 
disposal I couldn't do very much in the gift line, 
could I? 

Lady Mah, No, of course not. I'm not com- 
plaining. 

Aaron [sardonically^. That's very sweet of 
you. But I am. I asked you a question and 
you haven't answered it. Why this dramatic 
rupture ? 

Lady Mah. I trusted you, and you failed me. 

Aaron. What.'' 

Lady Mah. I've made a fool of myself over 
this business of Blanche Nixon. I'm humiliated. 
I'm in a devil of a fix. And it's your fault. 

Aaron. How is it my fault? 

Lady Mah. You ought to have stopped me 
from doing it. 

Aaron. Didn't I try to stop you? You 
wouldn't listen to me. 

Lady Mah. That simply shows you're lack- 
ing in strength of character. I've been fatally 
disappointed in you. 

Aaron. Well, I'm dashed if that isn't more 
like a woman than anything I've ever heard. 

Lady Mah. And if it is like a woman? Did 
you want me to be unwomanly? Besides, you're 
glad to be released from your engagement. 



ACT IV 109 

Aaron. I'm one of the toys you've thrown 
away, but I admit I'm not a broken toy. 

Lady Mab. My poor toy, somebody else has 
picked you up again already. 

Aaron. Oh! Who? 

Lady Mab. The woman who was always kiss- 
ing you. 

Aaron. So that's the real reason, is it.'^ 
[Laughs harshly.^ 

Lady Mab, It's one of the real reasons, of 
course. 

Aaron. But, hang it, can't you see you gave 
me a part to play, and I had to play it. In fact, 
I played my part a damned sight better than 
you played yours. 

Lady Mab. You over-acted it, Mr. Draper. 
You and your lady friend seemed to me to spend 
practically the whole time in each other's arms. 

Aaron. There's just one thing 

Lady Mab, Yes, there is. And it's my pack- 
ing. . . . I've sent that notice to the Morning 
Post and the Tvmes, Good-bye. [Exit, l., 
seizing some things as she goes, and banging the 
door.^ 

[Aaron whistles a time.'\ 

[Enter Blanche, back.^ 

[Aaron does not at first perceive her.^ 

Blanche. Good morning, Mr. Draper. 

Aaron. Oh! Er — Miss Nixon. Good morn- 
ing. . . . I — er — was just whistling. 



110 BODY AND SOUL 

Blanche [as they shake hands^. Forgive my 
curiosity. But what was that tune you were 
whistling? 

Aaron. The tune the old cow died of. 

Blanche. I thought it must be. I ought to 
apologise for interrupting, but thanks to the 
waiters' strike I had to announce myself. Is 
Lady Mab in? 

Aaron. Very much. In fact, she's all in. 
[They looJc at each other. Blanche sits down in 
front of tJie press-cuttings, and begins idly 
to turn them over.^ 

Blanche. I see she's got her press-cuttings. 

Aaron [vaguely^. Yes. 

Blanche. I suppose you're both very angry 
with me for what I did. 

Aaron. Why? Have you been doing any- 
thing particular? 

Blanche. Now please, Mr. Draper! The last 
two or three times you and I met we each of us 
had a part to play. 

Aaron. Well, we played our parts. 

Blanche. We did. But the piece is now over, 
and we needn't play any longer. 

Aaron. I'm not playing. 

Blanche. Then why do you ask with that 
innocent air whether I did anything particular? 

Aaron. For information. 

Blanche. But it was all in yesterday's papers. 

Aaron. Yes. I suppose so. That was why 



ACT IV 111 

I took care not to look at yesterday's papers. 
I'm quite sure you'll understand me, Miss Nixon, 
when I tell you that I was very uneasy about 
the whole business, and somehow I didn't want 
to look at yesterday's papers. So I didn't. I 
stopped at a hotel in Rugby by myself, and came 
back to town late last night when I knew every- 
thing would be over. 

Blanche. And Lady Mab hasn't told you? 

Aaron. Yes. She's told me a number of 
rather exciting things, but not a word about the 
stone-laying. 

Blanche \^with a gesture of astonishment^. 
You're wounded. 

Aaron. Not mortally. 

Blanche. Then if you really think you can 
stand it, you'd better look at that. [^She passes 
a full-page cutting from the Daily Mirror.] Quite 
a casual glance will do. 

Aaron [glancing at the paper^. "Lady Mab 
as social reformer. Society beauty's munificent 
gift " It's not true! 

Blanche. Too true. 

Aaron. Twenty-five thou [Blanche nods. 

Aaron bursts into loud laughter.^ But how did 
you manage to 

Blanche. The Victory Bond certificates hap- 
pened to come in on the morning we left, and I 
happened to take them w4th me. And then — then 
— I happened to give them away to the Health 



112 BODY AND SOUL 

Institute. ... It came over me aU of a sudden. 
The curious thing is, I don't regret it. [Aaron 
laughs out loudly again.^ Mr. Draper [benev- 
olently^, don't be hysterical. 

Aaron, I should hope you don^t regret it. 

Blanche, But don't you? [Maliciously.^ 
Lady Mab seems to regret it. In fact, she and 
I travelled to London in separate motor-cars 
yesterday. 

Aaron, Miss Nixon, believe me, I — do — not — 
regret it. In this highly dangerous comedy of 
ours you played your part magnificently, and 
the final stroke amounted to genius. Let me con- 
gratulate you. You have been tremendous. [Very 
earnestly.^ You are tremendous. I've never 
seen a woman like yon 

Blanche [interrupting hirn\, Mr. Draper, Mr. 
Draper ! Please remember what I said a moment 
ago. 

Aaron, What was that.? 

Blanche, The comedy is over. We needn't 
play any more. What would Lady Mab think 
if she saw her young man 

Aaron [interrupting^. Stop! [He gives her 
the copy of the notice to the newspapers,^ 

Blanche [reading tf]. I'm very sorry. 

Aaron [curtly'\. Why should you be sorry.'' 
. . . Good-bye! I'm off. 

Blanche [taking his outstretched hand^. 
But 



ACT IV 113 

Aaron [moved]^. Well? 

Blanche. Then we shan't see one another 
again ? 

Aaron. That depends on you. 

[Enter Lady Mab in street attire.^ 

Lady Mab \_seeing them hand m hand^. Natu- 
rally ! 

Blanche \_calmly and benevolently^. Oh! Good 
morning. I was just telling Mr. Draper how 
sorry I am to hear that the end has come. And 
so soon too ! 

Lady Mab [trying to adopt a tone similar to 
Blanche^ s^. Our engagement! Well, I'm sure 
Mr. Draper will appreciate your sympathy more 
than anybody else's. 

Blanche. I hope I'm not the innocent 
cause 

Lady Mab [smiling^. My dear Miss Nixon, 
how could you be the innocent cause? Have 
you come to see me or Mr. Draper? 

Blanche. You. 

[Aaron moves to leave. ^ 

Lady Mab. Where are you going, Mr. Draper? 

Aaron, Hell. 

Lady Mab. Postpone hell for a minute or two, 
will you? You're in this affair, and I think you 
ought to hear everytliing that's said. You don't 
mind, do you, Miss Nixon? 

Blanche. Not at all. I just looked in on my 
way from business to return these clothes of yours 



114 BODY AND SOUL 

and to get the things I left here a few evenings 
ago. I can't possibly appear at the office in this. 
[Indicating the frock she is wearing.^ Besides, 
it doesn't really fit me. Let me see now, there 
was the frock I came in, and some stockings and 
some undies. [Aaron makes another move to 
go.l Steady yourself, Mr. Draper, steady your- 
self. And a bag. 

Lady Mah. But surely you came here in an 
evening frock. You can't go to business in that. 

Blanche. I brought a morning dress in the 
bag. 

Lady Mab. Did you? Why? 

Blanche. Well, it has always been my motto 
that one thing may lead to another, Lady Mab. 

Lady Mah. Ah! So I'm Lady Mab for you 
at last ! 

Blanche. You were never anything else. 

Lady Mab. May I ask when you first realised 
that I was myself? 

Blanche. Certainly. I was here, and Mr. 
Draper was standing here, and the typewriters 
were there, and you came in at that door, and 
you said: "Good morning, I'm Lady Mab's 
secretary." I then instantly realised that you 
were not Lady Mab's secretary, but Lady Mab 
herself. 

Lady Mab. But how did you guess? 

Blanche. Oh! What they call feminine in- 
tuition — and the funny way Mr. Draper §ort 



ACT IV 115 

of changed from a man into a sack of potatoes. 

Lady Mah. Then all through there never was 
a moment when you were not acting? 

Blanche. Never. 

Lady Mah, You acted most frightfully well. 

Blanche. I play leads in the Tumham Green 
Amateur Dramatic Society. 

Lady Mah. Ah ! That explains it. 

Blanche. I've played Rosalind. 

Lady Mah. Here you've played Hamlet. 

Blanche. Well, Lady Mab, it was you who 
said you were somebody else. You ought to 
know. It wasn't my place to contradict you. I 
was only here to sell typewriting machines. But 
I saw you wanted a game, and I thought I 
might as well oblige you. 

Lady Mah. Then you aren't really interested 
in spiritualism and multiple personality, and such 
things ! 

Blanche. Oh, yes, I am — as an aid to busi- 
ness. 

Lady Mah, What business? 

Blanche. The business of selling typewriters. 

Aaron. Miss Nixon, I hereby award you the 
cake. 

Lady Mah [calmly and sweetly^. Well, it may 
interest you to know that you've ruined me, be- 
tween you. [Blanche makes a movement.'\ No! 
Don't be disturbed. I know I've been in a very 
queer state up to this morning. But I'm all 



116 BODY AND SOUL 

right now. I'm quite curiously all right. And 
I'm ruined. 

Blanche [innocently^. Nineteenth century, 
transfer of vote. Twentieth century, transfer of 
profit. 

Aaron. How are you ruined? You've got 
rid of £25,000 in charity. But that isn't going 
to ruin me. 

Lady Mah. It isn't going to ruin me. It has 
ruined me. I doubt if I've a hundred pounds in 
the world. I must leave these expensive rooms 
this very day. That's why I'm packing. You 
see I've always been terribly extravagant, and 
I hate the sight of pass-books. I've spent 
about half a fortune on Procopo — and he's not 
in the least grateful — geniuses never are — though 
I dare say he'd marry me if I asked him. 

Aaron. You may have spent half a fortune 
on launching Procopo, and squandered what was 
left in charity, but you're still related to about 
half the peerage, and your magnificent relatives 
wiU never let you starve. 

Lady Mah [proudly^. I shall certainly not 
carry my case to the House of Lords. I have 
never allowed my relatives to meddle with my 
private misfortunes. Independence at all costs! 

Blanche. Quite right. 

Lady Mah. No. I'm ruined. My marriage 
is in the soup. My secretary is ill. I've never 
had a maid. There's a strike of waiters. I ring. 



ACT IV 117 

No answer. I had to make my own tea this morn- 
ing on a spirit-lamp, and it was very bad, and 
there was nothing to eat, and I've run out of 
cigarettes. And that's not all. I've got to dis- 
appear. 

Aaron. Disappear? Why? 

Lady Mab. Because of Mr. and Mrs. Clews. 
I've treated them inexcusably. I stopped all 
photographs of the stone-laying. But \_indicat- 
ing press-cuttings^ look at all these stock photo- 
graphs of me in yesterday's papers. What a good 
thing we left Bursley before they arrived! Mrs. 
Clews is bound to have seen some of them. In 
fact, she's bound to have seen all of them; and 
as she's only just seen us she's bound to come to 
some very awkward conclusions. And if I know 
anything of my Mrs. Clews both she and the 
Mayor will be up in town to-day holding an 
inquiry. 

Aaron. Pity you didn't think of all this be- 
fore. 

Lady Mab. Yes. 

Aaron. However, you can explain things 
somehow. 

Lady Mab. But how? 

Aaron. I don't know. You told me a few 
days since that anything could be explained. 

Lady Mab. I was forgetting the picture- 
papers ; and I hadn't met Mrs. Clews. No. I 
must disappear. It's all very well for you [in- 



118 BODY AND SOUL 

dicating Blanche^ — you're nobody. You can 
sink back safely into Turnham Green; but I'm 
Lady Mab Infold, notorious from China to Peru. 
And that isn't all either. The worst thing of 
all is that I've been humiliated. I mean I've 
humiliated myself. I've lost my self-confidence. 
I started out on this affair, and I didn't carry 
it through. I know it's entirely my own fault. 
I'm only telling you as a penance. [Ingenuous- 
ly. 1^ And I'm quite nice about it, aren't I? 

Blanche, You're altogether too nice. And 
it isn't entirely your fault. The Clewses have 
been treated abominably, and for that I'm just 
as much to blame as you are. Of course you 
must disappear. 

Lady Mab, I must become a mystery. 

Blanche, You — [hesitates^ 

Lady Mah, Yes.'* 

Blanche, May I make a little speech? . . . 
Well, I will. But first of all here's a cigarette. 
Mr. Draper, light it. 

Lady Mab [eagerly^. Oh, thanks. [Smokes.^ 

Blanche, Lady Mab, you are not ruined. 
On the contrary, you are made. You reached 
the zenith of your career yesterday. Never be- 
fore have you created such a stir in the public 
life of this country. Never before were you so 
gorgeously on the map. Your speech at the stone- 
la3dng, and your glorious gift of £25,000 to the 
Bursley Health Institute, have thrilled the homes 



ACT IV 119 

of England to their very vitals. You will say 
that it was I who did these things. But I was 
only the instrument. You chose me, and per- 
haps you chose brilliantly. Who am I to sa}^'' 
You are free of Mr. Aaron Draper, for whom you 
never had more than a passing fancy. You have 
discovered your own shortcomings. You know 
yourself. You are humble. It is a splendid mo- 
ment for you to vanish and to become somebody 
else in a sense far deeper than Procopo ever 
thought of. You spoke just now of "independence 
at all costs." But you have never been inde- 
pendent. You can't even make your o^vn tea 
decently. Come out with me and achieve inde- 
pendence. You once told me you hated being 
an amateur. Come out with me and cease to be 
an amateur. I will find a post for you in our 
office, and you shall learn an art of which you 
are still most beautifully ignorant — the art of 
being really alive and really independent. Come 
out with me, and be Jane Smith. . . . Does it 
appeal to you? 

Lady Mab [after a pause^. And damn all my 
relatives. 

Blanche. Most decidedly. 

Lady Mah [^rushing to Blanche and embracing 
her^. I'll come. \_Kissing her again.^ What an 
adventure ! When do we begin ? 

Blanche. As you've eaten nothing, we begin 



120 BODY AND SOUL 

bj going to the Lyons in St. James's Street and 
having a jolly good breakfast. 

Lady Mah, How ripping! D'you know I've 
never been in a Lyons? Will you come in here 
and change your clothes? 
[Blanche and Lady Mah go towards the door, l.] 

Aaron. And what price me, please? 

Blanche, You might wait and carry my bag 
down to the hall for us. 

[Exeunt Blanche and Lady Mah, l.] 
[Aaron whistles to himself .~\ 
[Enter the Marquis of Wix.'\ 

Marquis, Ah! Good morning, my dear boy. 

Aaron [glumly^. Good morning, Lord Wix. 
[They shake hands. '\ 

Marquis. There seems to be a strike of waiters 
in this place. So I had to announce myself. I'm 
damned old, but I never remember having to do 
such a thing before. 

Aaron. No? 

Marquis. Mab in? 

Aaron [cautiously^. She's in somewhere. But 
she's not alone. I was just going. 

Marquis [looking at him; confident iaUy'\, 
You're feeling a bit cheap to-day, Draper. So 
am I. It's probably due to this newly imported 
champagne that one meets with everywhere just 
now. Good wine, no doubt ; excellent for French 
consumption; but not properly prepared for the 
English market. France has never really under- 



ACT IV 121 

stood champagne. However, there's one bright 
spot: the doctors are prescribing port for gout. 

Aaron. Indeed! 

Marquis \_sits1. Now, my dear boy, you are 
the very person I wanted to see. 

Aaron. But 

Marquis [^amiahly waving aside interruption^. 
I count on your sagacity. I received this tele- 
gram from Mab three evenings ago. I called to 
see her last night about it, but she had not re- 
turned. I'd much sooner see you. "My sweetest 
uncle. I absolutely forbid you to come here to- 
morrow. If you do I will make a scandal. — 
Mab." 

Aaron. Well? 

Marquis. I pass over minor questions. For 
me the only important question is this. I'm go- 
ing to speak to you as a member of the family 
with the utmost frankness. \^With emphasis.^ 
How did our darling capricious Mab know that 
I had laid myself open to hlackmailf I foolishly 
imagined that nothing whatever had got abroad. 

Aaron [with a sudden change of tone.^ 
Marquis, will you take my advice .f^ 

Marquis. I will. 

Aaron [urgently^. Then go away at once. 
This is not the moment. Call again later — some 
other time, any time; but don't stay now. 

Marquis. But really I should like 

Aaron^ Go instantly. Don't stay a second. 



122 BODY AND SOUL 

Marquis \^rising, perturbed^. There is danger? 

Aaron [shepherding him towards the doorl^. 
Emphatically. Good-bye. [He opens the door.^ 
[Enter Lady Mah, l.] 

Marquis [outside the door^. Would it be safe 
this afternoon? 

Aaron. I think so. I'll ^phone. Good-bye. 

Marquis. Thanks, my dear boy. Thanks. 

[Exit,'] 
[Aaron shuts the door.] 

Lady Mah. Who was that? 

Aaron. Your uncle. I shifted him off quick, 
so that you can leave unmolested ; and you ought 
to be jolly grateful to me. 

Lady Mah. What did he want? 

Aaron. That telegram he got from Bursley 
threatening a scandal. He's taken it seriously. 
Been up to something naughty and thinks you've 
found out about it. Fancies you may prove to 
be a kind of a blackmail. Wanted to explain. 
I wouldn't let him. 

Lady Mah [after a peal of laughter]. Fetch 
him back. Fetch him back. 

Aaron. I won't. 

Lady Mah [rushing to the door, opening it, 
and crying out]. Uncle! Uncle! Yes, it's Mab. 
[Turning to Aaron.] You are a pig. [To the 
approaching Marquis.] I'm free now, uncle. 
How are you? Come in, do. [Enter the Marquis. 
She shakes hands with him.] But I haven't much 



ACT IV US 

time. Sit down and tell me your version of this 
little affair. And be sure you tell me all. 

Marquis [seated, rather overset^. Well, per- 
haps I ought to begin by explaining 

Lady Mah [with charming imperiousness^. No 
preliminaries. This isn't the House of Lords. 

Marquis. My dear niece. There is a great 
American lecture agent in London named Paw- 
kins. He has with him an American lady secre- 
tary. Not a child, but attractive. Excessively^ 
attractive. Too attractive. Came across him — 
and her — under circumstances 

Lady Mah. Never mind the circumstances. 

Marquis. In spite of the fact that I am a 
widower of considerable experience, I was at- 
tracted — greatly. I — er — but you don't want 
details . . . though they are entirely honourable. 
. . . The usual complications. . . . After a time 
I made an arrangement. Whatever you may 
have heard, Mab, that is the whole truth. I 
wanted you to know the facts from myself. Of 
course I'm sure you wouldn't really make a 
scandal, but your control of your delicious tongue 
is sometimes imperfect, and it is specially impor- 
tant in these coal-mining days that no breath of 
scandal should attach to an owner of coal- 
royalties. The position of royalty-owners is 
already quite prejudiced enough. 

Lady Mah. Well, uncle, I must say your con- 
fession surprises me; but I'm relieved it's no 



124? BODY AND SOUL 

worse. What "arrangement" did you make? 

Marquis. Quite simple. I undertook to use 
my influence to get a few Al lecturers for the 
lecture-agency. Mr. Pawkins — and secretarj^ — 
are going back with a remarkable list of stars 
entirely new to the American lecture-platform. 

Ladi/ Mah [thoughtful]. Oh! Whom have 
you got? 

Marquis. Well, various very important per- 
sons. 

Lady Mah. But whom, for instance? 

Marquis. Well, yesterday I got your Procopo. 

Lady Mah. You got Procopo? Procopo is 
leaving? 

Marquis. Day after to-morrow, with Paw- 
kins ; on the Aquitania. He seemed rather 
anxious to go at once. Some trouble brewing in 
the Press, I gathered. 

Lady Mah \_in a new tone]. Does Pawkins pay 
high fees? 

Marquis. Very. And you see that my work 
is patriotic, because the fees paid to British sub- 
jects help to correct the adverse American ex- 
change. 

Lady Mah. How much does Pawkins pay for 
a iirst-class lecturer? 

Marquis. Oh! A thousand dollars a lecture 
— and expenses. 

Lady Mah [gay and uplifted]. Would he like 
to have me? 



ACT IV 125 

Marquis. He would undoubtedly give his head 
to get you, but surely you wouldn't dream 

Lad^ Mah, Wouldn't I? He shall have me. 
I'll go on the Aquitania. Come along with me 
at once and let's arrange it, uncle. 

Marquis, But 

Lady Mah. But what? 

Marquis. You can't possibly get a berth on 
the Aquitania, 

Lady Mah. Pooh! I can always get what I 
want. You must fix. it up for me. Come on ! 
Come on ! Not a moment to lose ! 

Marquis. But — er — Aaron. 

Aaron. Don't worry about me. 

Lady Mah. Please do not interfere between 
me and Mr. Draper. [Taking the Marquis hy tJus 
arm.^ Now! Here's the door. See! 

Marquis. Mab! Mab! What next, I won- 
der. 

[Enter Blanche with hag.^ 

Lady Mah [pushing Marquis oufl. Au revoir, 
Miss Nixon. I've decided to go on a lecturing 
tour in the United States. Must run off now 
with uncle and make the arrangements. 

[Exeunt Lady Mah and the Marquis."] 

[Blanche and Aaron stare at each other. Blanche 

drops the hag.] 

Aaron. So you see! 

Blanche [calmly]. Yes. [Reflective.] Strange 
it never occurred to me before! 



126 BODY AND SOUL 

Aaron. What? 

Blanche [genially'\. Why, of course she was 
horn to give lectures in America. That's how 
they'll all end. 

Aaron. All who? 

Blanche. All the Lady Mabs. They'll think 
that's what Columbus discovered America for. 

Aaron. You're a terrible woman. 

Blanche [sweetly^. I am. And I'm hungry. 
Shall we go to Lyons? 

Aaron. Yes, let's. 

Blanche [with Midland accent^. But look 
here, young man. This 'ere bag. Art going to 
lug it down St. James's Street? 

Aaron [with Midland accent^. I am that! 



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